Since approximately September 2005, I have been in search of a dominant male to share my life with. One did fall out of internet heaven and then disappeared just as quickly into the crevices of cyberspace. February 12 to March 4 of 2006 proved to be a time of knowledge and experience. There were things about myself that I was not aware of. However, I did come to learn that I don't want to be the strong woman that I have been and that I require full and total submission of myself to accomplish femininity. The essence of strength belongs to man not a woman.
FINDING DANIEL
While I was away in NY, a wonderful and exciting e-mail was left in my mailbox. I don't usually get sexual yet poetic e-mail so this totally intrigued me. Of course I wrote back as I wondered about the author of the e-mail and the author of the poetry. I came to learn that HE was the poet, and being a writer of poetry myself, this only intrigued me more.
Damn I am just a babe in the woods. Sure guys have talked sex to me, but I either make a joke of it and keep them as a friend or get pissed off and delete them. However, in this case it was so different . . . almost unimaginably so. It was magnetic.
To me, Daniel was an old soul reincarnated: a spirit much like mine. You may wonder why I call him a reincarnated old soul. Well, not too many people write in OLD ENGLISH and are passionate about doing so. Therefore, it was definitely odd that he and I would come together on the net. Although he had come from a non-traditional background, he was extremely intelligent and intellectual and had come through a major self-transformation of character. In addition, he was a REAL dominant male with a strong yet lovingly gentle side. Sure, I tested him, however, he quickly put me in my place. This scared the crap of me. All of this in a nut shell was quite attractive. I guess you can say that I fell head over heels.
Although this man is my junior in years, he greatly surpassed me in maturity as I am quite childlike. Imagine this if you will, this younger man, in cyberspace, was able to humble this naturally strong woman with mere type written words. In me being humbled by him, I realized that this is exactly what I wanted. I admired his strength and power as that is what I had been seeking, but only I did not know it. He said and showed things to me that stirred me as I have never been stirred before. This is not to say that I am a sexual ignoramus, however, I realized that there is a great deal that I don't know.
Daniel conjured feeling within me that both scared and excited me. At his words, my heart would flutter, my pulse would race, and a lump would form in my throat. These were uncontrolled feelings that were invading my body and I did not know how to handle it. He said I feared the unknown. How can this be as almost everything sexually is more at the imagined level than at reality. Therefore, it has always been unknown yet it never scared me. He made me fear to the point of saturation. There was also a gentle loving side to this nature that intrigued me to no end. Let's just say that the punishment and reward system he utilized drove me over the edge.
It seems that we were both eager to meet and although Daniel lives a great distance from me, I was willing to meet him. Yeah, I was willing to trek off to some unknown place to meet a total stranger. I know that is a crazy thing to do. However, my being was pulled to him much like he was as magnetic as Sven Gali.
MY ATTITUDE
I don't know if being from Brooklyn or just my upbringing gave me my attitude problem, but unfortunately, it did not sit well with him. He also did not like my diet and questioned my level of commitment to him considering we had not met. I usually don't get upset, however, when my attitude, diet, and level of commitment were a matter of him questioning my mental and physical health stability, I got miffed and justly so. Although my diet had not been the greatest, I am not one who seeks to be ill. Unfortunately, I had become ill and did not know why. This brought me to the doctor and I attempted and succeeded in rectifying the situation. As for my level of commitment, well, all I can say is that I thought I found a gem and being the ever so loyal puppy, I did commit myself to him. I could not help doing so.
It is crazy to say that at my age I am still naive and innocent. Maybe I have held myself too closely and too tightly. However, when I did attempt to throw care to the wind, my stability was questioned. That is very odd for me as I have never thought about stability before. What is stability? Is stability a structured life? If it is a matter of structure, then I am a very unstable individual as I live my life on a "whatever" basis. There are no set times for anything or anyone. Well, there is no one so that issue is moot.
THE REALITY OF IT ALL
All in all, I think he may have played me, but I am not sure. In any event, it was well worth it. Am I mad at him? No, but I am disappointed. The little kid in me believed and that is such a major weakness on my part. Regardless of whether it is a weakness or not, my child does serve its purpose as I can sit in wide eyed wonderment and find things around me totally amazing. I guess we will remain friends for as long as he will have me. ~ Maggie - 3/12/06
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