Journal Note of June 2010

I suppose I could crack based on pressure, but I am holding up.  Not all the finest as I am letting things get to me.  It is easy to say fuck it and just push it all away, but I view that as a chickens way out.  What is the worst that can happen?  I can crack altogether and fall apart at the seams.  It seems that cracking is not an option as it would not help self nor others.  Be strong I say!  Yes.  I will try.  No.  I will do it.  To me, I don’t have a choice but to hold up. - Arachne ~ June 28, 2010 @ a time unknown.

Yesterday is but a ghost looking back at me.  The words above are just a mere reminder of a feeling that has been whisked away with the wind brought upon by the dawn of a new day.  Today the sun has shown brighter and I feel stronger.  I am holding my own and that is the way it should be.  That is the way it is.  Hey, we come in this life alone and we go out alone.  The rubbing that we do with others is strictly residual in every regard.  Let me not forget that.  Gnaw not thou foul maggots as my body is not morte. ~ Arachne ~ June 29, 2010 @ 11:39 p.m. EST

Dark Thoughts~

Dark thoughts sometimes fill my head with blood and gore, but these are just images that flash for a moment in time.  Some images are based on what I have seen in real life while others are just imagined.  I have seen many images not in real life, but taken of real life within the confines of that which no longer exists. The place was called Gore Gallery. Might I say that death depicts that we are just meat.  That is why the bleeding dead do not disturb me, but the bleeding living do.  If you want, you can check out http://www.rotten.com  as it is in the same vein as Gore Gallery, but it is not as good. ~ Arachne ~ June 22, 2010 @ 11:35 p.m. EST

Suicide~

Tonight I was sitting here thinking about all the times I tried committing suicide only to realize that it was a lesson for me somewhere in my noise.  How can you know you what you really are until you have gone down such a dark passageway on numerous occasions?  There was this one time were I woke up in the cardiac unit because my heart had flipped out from an overdose.  Having been unconscious for two days, I didn’t know too much when I came round except that I was connected to machines and was issued 24 hour nurse guards as I was a risk.  There were two nurses who watched over me, but it was one that told me how to get out of the hospital.  Tell them what they want to hear, she said.  I did and I was able to leave once my heart was going good.  Four days is all that I was there.  Another time, I was handcuffed to a hospital bed by a cop.  In a messed up state, I asked him to please uncuff me and get me something to eat.  He did both.  They had already made me drink that nasty charcoal stuff which is enough to make you vomit. Some of these events stand out and others blur into the background, but I know I did it again and again.  I am not sure what stopped me from doing it.  Perhaps something inside woke up and said FUCK IT!  Go back to being yourself!  Well, here I sit and I am okay with me.  If I dropped dead tomorrow, I have no regrets. ~ Arachne ~ June 11, 2010 @ 9:15 EST

NOTE: If I were talking to my brother, I would wish him a happy birthday

Thou Hast Stayed Awhile~

Weary traveler, I thank thee for thy time
Time as we know is precious
In this we have supped together
Having our cups filled
And our plates engorged
Thou hast stayed awhile
Speaking of thy mind
Simple words rattled off in simplistic form serve not thee well
Nay.  Tis the form without utterance that speaks
True form that swells my breast
Giving greater glory to deeds done
Aye.  Thou hast done this to my delight
Pray thee stay more so now than before
The fire of the night shall call us
Beckoning to be heard
Hear it we shall and relish in the hour
That granted our fine and lovely meet ~ Arachne ~ 6/8/10 @ 5:20 p.m. EST

A Turn On~

Did you ever hear something that set off a chain of mental events?  Imagine if you will someone stating something which they would like to do for a turn on and that something turns you on.  Now also imagine that you will not be privy to that which is being done by the individual who is turned on by the prospect.  However, the prospect of them being turned on makes for fire within the imagination.

Spoken statement of turn on
Turned on by statement alone and its possibilities
I would feel nothing, but the idea of not feeling or knowing is a turn on
Mind over matter and the imagination
Switched into high gear

Spoken statement of might not be turned on
Turned off to original turn on to a degree
Why?  Again, it is the idea alone
It is the factor of the other being turned on by the prospect of reality
If the prospect is no longer a turn on to the other, it kills the design but not the idea

What turns an individual on to begin with?  Is a turn on strictly physical?  Is touch even required?  I so wish that I could elaborate on this, but I know not how.  Using fantasy, the turn on could be internalized and cut from the source who created the original arousal.  Then again, it was the prospect of it being real that played so heavy on me.  Yes that was a driving force.  So, how do I resurrect that which may not be?  Perhaps I could place myself in another’s shoes and play it so that I would do what may have been done by the other.  In looking at it this way, I am doing to me what I want to have done by another without having ever said what I want.  Regardless of being able to think up possible scenarios, the idea that it will not be presents a downer of sorts. Could it be that so long as the idea is on the table for manifestation the turn on will be stronger?   Does this make sense? ~ Arachne ~ June 7, 2010 at 10:32 p.m. EST