Wednesday, December 27, 2006
A Letter:
I was watching a show on The History Channel and it also spoke of global warming and the earth's destruction. There are many ways the world could be destroyed, however, if someone or something does not destroy the "COMPANY" the "COMPANY" will kill us all. Maybe microbes will still exist and maybe another life form will be established, but all life as we know it will be extinct in the name of the almighty dollar. There has to be people out there that want this stopped as bad as I do. The end may not come in our time, but we need to think of future generations. The cement age needs to be destroyed and those in charge need to fail. With things as they are, you may see another Atlantis or many new Atlantis cities under water and lost forever as bodies of land will sink below the water upon the melt down. People know of the problem, but the government and companies want to stick with money and power. The sad part is that many people feel that there is nothing they can do. This is not true. If we all chip in and do our part, we can change things. The problem is how many people will jump on the band wagon to rid ourselves of our present prison? The comfort of protection is an illusion and will show it's true colors eventually when it cannot be hidden from the public any longer. Even the stupid will wake up and realize that problems are arising with our earth that will cause our demise. How far will we let it go before we revolt and take over to start again...start anew? It is hoped that we have the ability to gather great audiences and have them join a cause that will free them from their unrecognized slavery and inevitable destruction. ~ December 27, 2006 @ 8:30 p.m. EST
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Some of my notes while away:
How can piercing of a body bring about feelings of life? Tingling erections are a part of life that bring sexual pleasure without being touched as arousal comes from being and the natural art of doing. The blowing of the wind on such a wonderful occasion can cause unusual noises to spill forth and make others wonder what is going on inside the individual who is making such vocal nuances.
Pounding heart and racing thoughts...the stealing of breath like a cat from a baby.
My power does not go undaunted, yet I reserve the right to starve. Starve for that which I crave the most and hunger for in the most perverse way. Innocence lacks guile to please the curiosity. The mind forever breaking boundaries that the body holds in check. The confirmation of one's acceptance of another helps to feed the imagination and thus the spirit. I don't fit in the regular world and I feed off myself for now yet I long for the life of the living looking at the need and want factors.
Stabs in the dark and lost feelings of decay bring life. I do now realize that I do feed off others for my own perverse pleasure. However, I note that touch is not necessary as the mind has so much power that simple words cause wings of thoughts and behaviors ranging from childlike innocence to murderous cunning. My friend was so right in his assessment of me being a natural taker of energy, but this energizer bunny needs more.
Happy music - tatt on forehead - wicca star - fangs - Dragon - piercing in face - Blessed Be! Answer: I don't believe in anything but me. I am a weird magnet.
Shit is going on stranger than I can think about. Recognition is only coming afterwards, but recognition is had so I will see where it goes.
How does one maintain youth? Feed off the young!
A note to Grace:
We feed off each other more than we know. You gave me the balls to do something by being there and holding my hand in the most literal sense. You have always been my friend. I, in turn, showed you great things that opened your eyes. A true friendship has always been there. Grasp the tail of the phoenix. Born from the ashes we are anew! Black winged goddess of Osiris see the eve of Eve within the spider's dwelling. Mike was so right about me being the sick bitch behind it all.
Mortal things cease to exist, yet common ground is almost a scent. Watch a wildebeest wait upon the lioness. Watch the wildebeest put up the fight of it's life.
Fangs poison sharp pierce life alive. - Written prior to Dec. 27th, 2006 Posted on Jan. 6, 2007
Pounding heart and racing thoughts...the stealing of breath like a cat from a baby.
My power does not go undaunted, yet I reserve the right to starve. Starve for that which I crave the most and hunger for in the most perverse way. Innocence lacks guile to please the curiosity. The mind forever breaking boundaries that the body holds in check. The confirmation of one's acceptance of another helps to feed the imagination and thus the spirit. I don't fit in the regular world and I feed off myself for now yet I long for the life of the living looking at the need and want factors.
Stabs in the dark and lost feelings of decay bring life. I do now realize that I do feed off others for my own perverse pleasure. However, I note that touch is not necessary as the mind has so much power that simple words cause wings of thoughts and behaviors ranging from childlike innocence to murderous cunning. My friend was so right in his assessment of me being a natural taker of energy, but this energizer bunny needs more.
Happy music - tatt on forehead - wicca star - fangs - Dragon - piercing in face - Blessed Be! Answer: I don't believe in anything but me. I am a weird magnet.
Shit is going on stranger than I can think about. Recognition is only coming afterwards, but recognition is had so I will see where it goes.
How does one maintain youth? Feed off the young!
A note to Grace:
We feed off each other more than we know. You gave me the balls to do something by being there and holding my hand in the most literal sense. You have always been my friend. I, in turn, showed you great things that opened your eyes. A true friendship has always been there. Grasp the tail of the phoenix. Born from the ashes we are anew! Black winged goddess of Osiris see the eve of Eve within the spider's dwelling. Mike was so right about me being the sick bitch behind it all.
Mortal things cease to exist, yet common ground is almost a scent. Watch a wildebeest wait upon the lioness. Watch the wildebeest put up the fight of it's life.
Fangs poison sharp pierce life alive. - Written prior to Dec. 27th, 2006 Posted on Jan. 6, 2007
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
The Dangerous Me - Dissociative Disorder - The Three Me
Max is dangerous, but she is one of three sides of me. Although I am now one within myself, I realize that Max on her own is a total bad scene and is the most dangerous of my characters. Max is street smart and knows how to fight, kill, and take a beating. The other two are Maggie and Margaret. Maggie is educated, well spoken, and polite. Margaret is the beaten child who looks for love anyway she can get it and seeks approval from others. All my characters now exist in one shell and do not separate. However, their flaws and strengths still exist within me and are part of me.
Deep within my heart I know my capabilities to do harm to others and this side of my nature has always scared me as it is a part of me that is wild and furious...a side whose anger is black and killer hostile. A side of me that requires 5 men to calm me down or hold me down. Murder plots have been thought upon and dropped when the levels of anger have dropped. However, the dark side, "Max," lives within me. She/I knowing where kill zones are on a body are and knowing when to strike do not help matters of this nature. When in Max mode, I am crazy. Crazier than poor Arthur who would not hurt a soul. To say that my mind is not cunning and artful would be a lie. To say that jealousy does not exist would be a lie. However, my prudy green eyes only see black on one small level...a very tiny level that is all too important to me that could send me into a murderous rage and I would attack as many people as possible to release it. This rage can be hit in two ways: protecting a loved one (loved one includes self-preservation) and jealousy. I don't think I need to explain the protection of a loved one. Jealousy shall be explained. Most women would get crazy on higher levels, but I realize that men are just mammals who sometimes require other partners. The sexual aspect is not a reason for me to lash out at someone (partner or otherwise), however, the tender loving aspect of another woman lying in my partner's arms would send me for blood...not so much his...although he would get some lash...if she knew about me...whoa Nelly! It would be in her best interest to befriend me or suffer if I am still in the eye of the storm. I have two types of rage: Quiet and Wild. Experience has shown me that a woman would rather befriend me than go against me. Most fear my wild anger (and I have a criminal record for it - the one I was caught for), but the quiet smiling anger is more dangerous as it plots and reasons.
Wild anger can get you busted as it got me busted. The quiet anger finds logical solutions and uses manipulation methods. Need I say more about the quiet anger? I don't think so. Rule #1: Always be crazier than the crazies. Always... The amazing part of about being crazy is that supposedly a crazy person does not realize they are crazy. When a person can come to terms with themselves and see their true inner nature as I have seen my own, then they can wear the CRAZY label. Label me Mentally Deranged! All efforts will be made to keep Max in the box...letting her out in total is not a good idea. ~ Arachne ~ 12/19/06 @ 10:38 p.m.
Note: Even thinking about this rage makes me taste blood. Not good. It has come to my attention that I lack power/control over this type of anger. Current mood...I COULD DESTROY IN A HEARTBEAT!
They did not prescribe 600 mg of Seroquel to me for nothing.
Deep within my heart I know my capabilities to do harm to others and this side of my nature has always scared me as it is a part of me that is wild and furious...a side whose anger is black and killer hostile. A side of me that requires 5 men to calm me down or hold me down. Murder plots have been thought upon and dropped when the levels of anger have dropped. However, the dark side, "Max," lives within me. She/I knowing where kill zones are on a body are and knowing when to strike do not help matters of this nature. When in Max mode, I am crazy. Crazier than poor Arthur who would not hurt a soul. To say that my mind is not cunning and artful would be a lie. To say that jealousy does not exist would be a lie. However, my prudy green eyes only see black on one small level...a very tiny level that is all too important to me that could send me into a murderous rage and I would attack as many people as possible to release it. This rage can be hit in two ways: protecting a loved one (loved one includes self-preservation) and jealousy. I don't think I need to explain the protection of a loved one. Jealousy shall be explained. Most women would get crazy on higher levels, but I realize that men are just mammals who sometimes require other partners. The sexual aspect is not a reason for me to lash out at someone (partner or otherwise), however, the tender loving aspect of another woman lying in my partner's arms would send me for blood...not so much his...although he would get some lash...if she knew about me...whoa Nelly! It would be in her best interest to befriend me or suffer if I am still in the eye of the storm. I have two types of rage: Quiet and Wild. Experience has shown me that a woman would rather befriend me than go against me. Most fear my wild anger (and I have a criminal record for it - the one I was caught for), but the quiet smiling anger is more dangerous as it plots and reasons.
Wild anger can get you busted as it got me busted. The quiet anger finds logical solutions and uses manipulation methods. Need I say more about the quiet anger? I don't think so. Rule #1: Always be crazier than the crazies. Always... The amazing part of about being crazy is that supposedly a crazy person does not realize they are crazy. When a person can come to terms with themselves and see their true inner nature as I have seen my own, then they can wear the CRAZY label. Label me Mentally Deranged! All efforts will be made to keep Max in the box...letting her out in total is not a good idea. ~ Arachne ~ 12/19/06 @ 10:38 p.m.
Note: Even thinking about this rage makes me taste blood. Not good. It has come to my attention that I lack power/control over this type of anger. Current mood...I COULD DESTROY IN A HEARTBEAT!
They did not prescribe 600 mg of Seroquel to me for nothing.
To Nathan (2)...
Dreams of a soft spring night bring me to his arms
We hug and stare into each other’s starry eyes which have told many stories
Only now the glimmer seems...
I feel your lips kissing my neck and shivers run down my spine
Kisses in other regions bring deeper shivers and yet I want more
I have felt these kisses in my mind as you spoke of them
However, reality is longed for
Will you pin me down and make me struggle?
Struggle for that which I want in the first place?
Maybe you will tie and tease me and grant yourself the right of full exploration
Then again, perhaps passion will not allow time for such a game
At least not at first
The world is our playground and nothing is predefined or limited
Perhaps ritual sex in a tomb could be had
Making love in the grass on a warm night
Rough sex in a bed
Wild sex in a car
Sharing thoughts about life which end on the floor in nakedness’ delight
Toys and play...play and toys
Roles to be had and scenes to be done
Who is who?
What has been won?
Prizes that we both want and will share accordingly
In that which we have only grazed the surface with subtlety
The beautiful subtlety that leaves questions unanswered
The subtlety that makes my mind wonder
Simple words that bring me to climax
The complexity has yet to be felt by two...
Doused with butterscotch
You can be my lollipop
Gently I enjoy the concoction
While bringing you pleasure
A pleasure that is actually my greed
I want you to cum first
As I will have you longer each time afterward
Although fairly gentle in that area
The desire to bite you is there
To bite you while in the heat of the moment
While you are inside me
My nails rake your back and dig in
Not because I want to hurt you
No...more so because of the intensity which I cannot hide
I want you to bite me in various places and drive me wild
Pain and pleasure are one
Open your mind and allow me to enter
See the possibilities of what has not been totally discussed
The wonderful delights of torture on a subject most willing
I am most willing
However, I can take you in my own ways although not dom
Fear would not be had in throwing you down to go down on you
Nor to ride you while you slumber or are awake
How deep will you sleep if sleep is had?
Will you wake to a candle lit room?
Will I be in a costume geared for a game?
Perhaps you will be too tired...however, if my hunger is great
I will attempt to arouse you nonetheless
In sleep you will feel my mouth take you in
And I will feel it grow within my mouth
You can pretend to sleep, but I will watch for other signs
Is his breathing different?
Do his toes curl?
Is there a gentle moan?
Sleep can be played off, but your member will tell me otherwise
As such, full advantage will be taken of my prize and satisfaction will be had
Aye, I am a greedy woman ~ Dec. 19, 2006
We hug and stare into each other’s starry eyes which have told many stories
Only now the glimmer seems...
I feel your lips kissing my neck and shivers run down my spine
Kisses in other regions bring deeper shivers and yet I want more
I have felt these kisses in my mind as you spoke of them
However, reality is longed for
Will you pin me down and make me struggle?
Struggle for that which I want in the first place?
Maybe you will tie and tease me and grant yourself the right of full exploration
Then again, perhaps passion will not allow time for such a game
At least not at first
The world is our playground and nothing is predefined or limited
Perhaps ritual sex in a tomb could be had
Making love in the grass on a warm night
Rough sex in a bed
Wild sex in a car
Sharing thoughts about life which end on the floor in nakedness’ delight
Toys and play...play and toys
Roles to be had and scenes to be done
Who is who?
What has been won?
Prizes that we both want and will share accordingly
In that which we have only grazed the surface with subtlety
The beautiful subtlety that leaves questions unanswered
The subtlety that makes my mind wonder
Simple words that bring me to climax
The complexity has yet to be felt by two...
Doused with butterscotch
You can be my lollipop
Gently I enjoy the concoction
While bringing you pleasure
A pleasure that is actually my greed
I want you to cum first
As I will have you longer each time afterward
Although fairly gentle in that area
The desire to bite you is there
To bite you while in the heat of the moment
While you are inside me
My nails rake your back and dig in
Not because I want to hurt you
No...more so because of the intensity which I cannot hide
I want you to bite me in various places and drive me wild
Pain and pleasure are one
Open your mind and allow me to enter
See the possibilities of what has not been totally discussed
The wonderful delights of torture on a subject most willing
I am most willing
However, I can take you in my own ways although not dom
Fear would not be had in throwing you down to go down on you
Nor to ride you while you slumber or are awake
How deep will you sleep if sleep is had?
Will you wake to a candle lit room?
Will I be in a costume geared for a game?
Perhaps you will be too tired...however, if my hunger is great
I will attempt to arouse you nonetheless
In sleep you will feel my mouth take you in
And I will feel it grow within my mouth
You can pretend to sleep, but I will watch for other signs
Is his breathing different?
Do his toes curl?
Is there a gentle moan?
Sleep can be played off, but your member will tell me otherwise
As such, full advantage will be taken of my prize and satisfaction will be had
Aye, I am a greedy woman ~ Dec. 19, 2006
Arthur’s Committal - Edited...speaking of mental...
Arthur is my girlfriend's brother who is a real sweet guy. Okay so he is a bit crazy, but show me a New Yorker who is not mental and I will show you someone who is not from New York. Anyway, while on the phone with my friend today, she tells me that her brother went to see his doctor and while there he mentioned that he wanted to kill himself, but that he did not know how to do it. Mind you, Arthur is a guy who walks around the grocery store dressed like a Ninja Turtle with a full face motorcycle helmet and he only owns a 10 speed bike.
Although the doctor knows that Arthur is a bit off, the doc let him leave his office then had second thoughts. This ass of a doctor called Arthur and told him to return to his office as he forgot to tell him something. The good soul that Arthur is, returned to the doctor's office only to be met by the police who asked if he was willing to leave without a fight. Arthur said sure and cooperatively left.
This poor guy was committed for 7 days at Coney Island Hospital and then at Gracie Square. Not for anything, but this guy would not hurt a cockroach nor would he hurt himself. The drugs that the doctors are giving him are fucking his head over...he should just be allowed to be his zany self without a doc and drug patrol. BTW, this guy does not use illegal drugs. GIVE 'EM HELL ARTHUR!!!
Save that shit...I will say it in person as I head for NYC this Thursday in the P.M. ~ Arachne 12/19/06 @ 1:40 a.m.
**Note: My daughter told me tonight that I am scary and mental so she is afraid to let me meet Mike's mom as Mike's mom is small and timid. Hell, I know how to be nice and will not scare the shit out of her as I can behave myself...until she gets to know me. My daughter had the nerve to call me mental...she was singing "It's My Dick in a Box" tonight...over and over...making me totally crackers that I beat the phone with a plastic bottle. Not for anything 20 minutes of her cat screaming as she cleaned its ears is enough to drive anyone postal. She is busted as I recorded her and when she heard herself singing, she sang along. She found it funny enough to spit up all over her computer screen. Now who is scary and mental? My daughter Miss Weezie that's who. She was scary enough to be removed from two Catholic grammar schools and really she is timid by my standards.
Although the doctor knows that Arthur is a bit off, the doc let him leave his office then had second thoughts. This ass of a doctor called Arthur and told him to return to his office as he forgot to tell him something. The good soul that Arthur is, returned to the doctor's office only to be met by the police who asked if he was willing to leave without a fight. Arthur said sure and cooperatively left.
This poor guy was committed for 7 days at Coney Island Hospital and then at Gracie Square. Not for anything, but this guy would not hurt a cockroach nor would he hurt himself. The drugs that the doctors are giving him are fucking his head over...he should just be allowed to be his zany self without a doc and drug patrol. BTW, this guy does not use illegal drugs. GIVE 'EM HELL ARTHUR!!!
Save that shit...I will say it in person as I head for NYC this Thursday in the P.M. ~ Arachne 12/19/06 @ 1:40 a.m.
**Note: My daughter told me tonight that I am scary and mental so she is afraid to let me meet Mike's mom as Mike's mom is small and timid. Hell, I know how to be nice and will not scare the shit out of her as I can behave myself...until she gets to know me. My daughter had the nerve to call me mental...she was singing "It's My Dick in a Box" tonight...over and over...making me totally crackers that I beat the phone with a plastic bottle. Not for anything 20 minutes of her cat screaming as she cleaned its ears is enough to drive anyone postal. She is busted as I recorded her and when she heard herself singing, she sang along. She found it funny enough to spit up all over her computer screen. Now who is scary and mental? My daughter Miss Weezie that's who. She was scary enough to be removed from two Catholic grammar schools and really she is timid by my standards.
Monday, December 18, 2006
LIFE
No matter how bad you beat me
No matter how much you try to hurt me
No matter what damage you think you can do
I have been there before
You can kick me and curse me
You can ignore me or ridicule me
You can't do anything that has not been done before
I am still alive
Only I can kick my ass the best
Only I can really destroy me
Only I have the power over me
I have something to be thankful for
Brains splattered on the side walk of the jumper who plummeted 14 stories to his death on Remsen Street. Death's sweet smell escaped him like the breath of a rose in a gentle breeze. The smell of fresh death has a sickly sweet odor (I am not making this up.) . Actually, this body's core bears the same color of the rose in some respects as the color is red. This poor man's suit trousers were split and his shoe lied not far from his body yet he had managed to keep one on. What lied before me beckoned my morbid curiosity as I had never noticed the sweet smell of death before. I had stared at him curiously until they covered his body in a yellow tarp. I used to tell people that he was already covered so that I was not thought of as bizarre. However, I no longer care. Isn't that an interesting way to start a work day? Isn't that an interesting way to end a life.
Jumpers are not limited to buildings. Many like jumping in front of the subway during rush hour to inconvenience the riders to the point of going postal because they can't get home. This seems to occur more so in the summer when temperatures reach about 130 underground and this temperature does not take into account the humidity. Fresh air is not something to be had as what is breathed in is thick and laced with the putrid stench of urine.
It pays to have a strong stomach. Thankfully I had turned enough dead dogs over and watched enough maggots eat. You would think that maggots start on top...nah they are under the dog. Thankfully, I had seen enough fresh dead bodies from a distance (but close enough to see the blood oozing from the chest or the picking up of body parts). Thankfully, I had witnessed the attempted taking of life. Thankfully, I had my face punched enough and my body battered enough to toughen me up for this wonder we call life. ~ Arachne 12/18/06 @ 2:29 a.m.
No matter how much you try to hurt me
No matter what damage you think you can do
I have been there before
You can kick me and curse me
You can ignore me or ridicule me
You can't do anything that has not been done before
I am still alive
Only I can kick my ass the best
Only I can really destroy me
Only I have the power over me
I have something to be thankful for
Brains splattered on the side walk of the jumper who plummeted 14 stories to his death on Remsen Street. Death's sweet smell escaped him like the breath of a rose in a gentle breeze. The smell of fresh death has a sickly sweet odor (I am not making this up.) . Actually, this body's core bears the same color of the rose in some respects as the color is red. This poor man's suit trousers were split and his shoe lied not far from his body yet he had managed to keep one on. What lied before me beckoned my morbid curiosity as I had never noticed the sweet smell of death before. I had stared at him curiously until they covered his body in a yellow tarp. I used to tell people that he was already covered so that I was not thought of as bizarre. However, I no longer care. Isn't that an interesting way to start a work day? Isn't that an interesting way to end a life.
Jumpers are not limited to buildings. Many like jumping in front of the subway during rush hour to inconvenience the riders to the point of going postal because they can't get home. This seems to occur more so in the summer when temperatures reach about 130 underground and this temperature does not take into account the humidity. Fresh air is not something to be had as what is breathed in is thick and laced with the putrid stench of urine.
It pays to have a strong stomach. Thankfully I had turned enough dead dogs over and watched enough maggots eat. You would think that maggots start on top...nah they are under the dog. Thankfully, I had seen enough fresh dead bodies from a distance (but close enough to see the blood oozing from the chest or the picking up of body parts). Thankfully, I had witnessed the attempted taking of life. Thankfully, I had my face punched enough and my body battered enough to toughen me up for this wonder we call life. ~ Arachne 12/18/06 @ 2:29 a.m.
Friday, December 15, 2006
To Nathan:
Your head lies in my lap and I listen to the words you speak. I watch you face through amazed eyes and see thoughts expressed through facial expressions and hand movement. The feeling is cozy and warm as comfort is abound and freedom reigns. We can be who we are.
I stroke your head while I listen to you and I begin to stir. Maybe it is my breathing or my movement that gets you stirring and you pull me forward to kiss you. Our mouths are open and our tongues start off slow and become more wild with each lash. This intensity is followed to the floor as we tear each others clothes off like animals.
You know that I want to be tied so you grab me and...
A struggle is given as that is more fun as I want you to work for it. I try to bite you...maybe I succeed, but I want you and you sense it. Your force is stronger than mine and that arouses me like a cat in heat.
His voice is like willows is in the wind
His spirit is childlike and wonderfully imaginative
His kindness and thoughtfulness brings a tear of joy
His respect is something that I value as it is priceless
His sharing and caring ways are unlimited
His body is artfully crafted and there is room for imagination
His rage and frustration is humorous yet a turn on
His eyes see what others do not as
His mind is open and endless
He is sweeter than the sweetest candy
The beauty of this is that I can see him in the park with me! He is Apollo and he is a god in his own right!
Hail! The sun is shining!
O, mind of fantasy lift me and take me away
Art there no end to my longing?
Bring me to the arms that I want draped around me
Bring me to the lips that I want to kiss
Allow me the warm of thy body under cold sheets
Allow me the gentle caresses and rough play that thou art capable of
Art thou there in reality?
Aye, as I have heard you stir!
Lest we tear ourselves from this dreamlike state, reality will not occur. Dost the pain of longing bear more weight? Nay to pain and aye to joy! The joy of caring and sharing as we have been doing...one more step beyond. Art thou at the edge? My fingers grip the cliff’s cuff and yet I want to free fall for the rush of it all. Let’s splatter the walls with blood and litter the floor with paper or mags. Let’s paint the walls, ceilings, and floors black and enter the constellations in every room. Lit only by candles held by skeletal hands that have long ago lost feeling. We cast enough to feel for all the bones that have yet to turn to dust. ~ Dec 15, 2006
I stroke your head while I listen to you and I begin to stir. Maybe it is my breathing or my movement that gets you stirring and you pull me forward to kiss you. Our mouths are open and our tongues start off slow and become more wild with each lash. This intensity is followed to the floor as we tear each others clothes off like animals.
You know that I want to be tied so you grab me and...
A struggle is given as that is more fun as I want you to work for it. I try to bite you...maybe I succeed, but I want you and you sense it. Your force is stronger than mine and that arouses me like a cat in heat.
His voice is like willows is in the wind
His spirit is childlike and wonderfully imaginative
His kindness and thoughtfulness brings a tear of joy
His respect is something that I value as it is priceless
His sharing and caring ways are unlimited
His body is artfully crafted and there is room for imagination
His rage and frustration is humorous yet a turn on
His eyes see what others do not as
His mind is open and endless
He is sweeter than the sweetest candy
The beauty of this is that I can see him in the park with me! He is Apollo and he is a god in his own right!
Hail! The sun is shining!
O, mind of fantasy lift me and take me away
Art there no end to my longing?
Bring me to the arms that I want draped around me
Bring me to the lips that I want to kiss
Allow me the warm of thy body under cold sheets
Allow me the gentle caresses and rough play that thou art capable of
Art thou there in reality?
Aye, as I have heard you stir!
Lest we tear ourselves from this dreamlike state, reality will not occur. Dost the pain of longing bear more weight? Nay to pain and aye to joy! The joy of caring and sharing as we have been doing...one more step beyond. Art thou at the edge? My fingers grip the cliff’s cuff and yet I want to free fall for the rush of it all. Let’s splatter the walls with blood and litter the floor with paper or mags. Let’s paint the walls, ceilings, and floors black and enter the constellations in every room. Lit only by candles held by skeletal hands that have long ago lost feeling. We cast enough to feel for all the bones that have yet to turn to dust. ~ Dec 15, 2006
Thursday, December 14, 2006
This goes into a rant as memories were popping up...
I really disliked Fat Bobby before I met him as he was a user of people and would make them do shit for coke. As Anna was my friend and he made her do stupid shit, I did not like him. However, when I met him...he was cool. This is the guy who has my crucifixion pics somewhere in his house. I was real drunk and was stirring shit with Bobby, Eddie, and Anna which was commonplace. All of a sudden (I was told all this and the pics backed it up) I said I had to pee so I got up and stood by the fish tank and started to pull down my pants. Of course Anna did not want me to pee on the floor of her apartment so she brought me to the bathroom. When I did not return, Anna said to Bobby and Eddie I bet she is sleeping in the tub. Sure enough, when they came into the bathroom, I was crashed in the bathtub. The pulled my body out and brought me to the living room where they posed me like christ on a cross and took pics. That shit was funny. Another time, Bobby handcuffed me to the steering wheel of his car and I took offense to it and tore my flesh off just to prove that I was crazy enough to get out. Then I went after him. This guy hated this one pair of shoes that I had and stole one so that I could not wear them. On my birthday he called me and told me to go outside and lo and behold, my shoe had a balloon attached to it and was filled with candy. Under the shoe was a birthday cake. The sucker was on the block watching me get the shit. When I got into my house, he knocked on the door and said that he had another present, however, I had to be blindfolded to get it. He said you stay there until I tell you to take the blind fold off so I did what I was told and did not even take if off when I heard him leave. The telephone rang and he asked if I saw it yet and I said no. After being called stupid, I took the blindfold off and at my feet was the Metallica Box Set.
This guy really loved Sinatra and I used to rib him for it. He used to wear a hat like Sinatra and I used to smack it off his head and call him an asshole. I got a good story for that one too. When Sinatra was in town he asked me to go with him. Just to be a bitch I said sure if you buy me a dress and get a limo. He agreed, but got sick before the show and we didn't go. I ribbed him about that too. The asshole story was about a night that me, Anna, Joe, and Bobby were supposed to go to The Vault. I told Bobby you can't go in there acting like some Brooklyn asshole as these people would fuck him up. Not wanting to risk a scene with him and the people inside, we drifted off to the Village lower east side where we hit a bar on St. Marks. At this point I ran into some band members from Andrew's old band and started to hang with them. Bobby, in his frustration, started throwing peanuts at me and again I called him an asshole, so he left me there and he, Joe, and Anna took off. I hung out with this crew for awhile and started to make my way to The Scrap Bar. Who do I see holding up a wall...Chris totally stoned out and nodding. I grabbed his hand and told him that I would take care of him and that he should come with me to The Scrap. Just as I am lifting him off the wall, Andrew and his friends passed, looks were exchanged and Chris and I headed west to MacDougal. Chris was so wasted that he could not go into The Scrap so he opted to sit outside and wait for me. Every once in awhile I would go check on him and he was okay. When I was good and wasted, I scooped him up and we headed for the subway. I remember him getting off the train, but never made it. That night I was rolled for my money and my cigarettes. Thankfully, nothing else was disturbed. The train had gone into the yards and then turned around. When I got out of the train, I had no idea where I was or if I was on this planet. Although I left the train station, when I hit the street, I had no clue where I was so I jumped the turnstyle and got back on the train. Again, I got off, but was not sure where I was. How I made it home is a mystery.
This guy respected me so much that when Andrew hurt me, he wanted to get Neil to break his wrists so that he could not wipe his own ass. I did not want to have Drew hurt as what goes around comes around. Drew paid his due and proper...he is dead.
Oh, before I forget, I had untied Bobby shoes one day and he forgot to tie them, so when we got outside and I chased him into the street, he tripped over his own laces and fell on his face. The pointing and laughing was too much, but that is what friends do. Actually, I am looking for the Anna & Carlos sex tape that Bobby recorded which is funny as hell. Imagine this bitch screaming iiieeee poppy! LMAO
Carlos was treated like a dog and was not really allowed into my apartment proper as he would have to sit on the floor by the door. When he called me a self-centered bitch who only thought of herself that is when I gave him respect and we befriend as he was right and had to balls to tell me. The shock in his voice when I agreed was funny as hell.
Carl was a real dick to Anna and I placed that sucker in shit status and made sure that he took Anna back when her father died as the prick gave her the news like he was talking about the weather then kicked her out of his apartment.
I really need to fill in the blanks someday. ~ Arachne ~ 12/14/06 @ 2:12 p.m.
This guy really loved Sinatra and I used to rib him for it. He used to wear a hat like Sinatra and I used to smack it off his head and call him an asshole. I got a good story for that one too. When Sinatra was in town he asked me to go with him. Just to be a bitch I said sure if you buy me a dress and get a limo. He agreed, but got sick before the show and we didn't go. I ribbed him about that too. The asshole story was about a night that me, Anna, Joe, and Bobby were supposed to go to The Vault. I told Bobby you can't go in there acting like some Brooklyn asshole as these people would fuck him up. Not wanting to risk a scene with him and the people inside, we drifted off to the Village lower east side where we hit a bar on St. Marks. At this point I ran into some band members from Andrew's old band and started to hang with them. Bobby, in his frustration, started throwing peanuts at me and again I called him an asshole, so he left me there and he, Joe, and Anna took off. I hung out with this crew for awhile and started to make my way to The Scrap Bar. Who do I see holding up a wall...Chris totally stoned out and nodding. I grabbed his hand and told him that I would take care of him and that he should come with me to The Scrap. Just as I am lifting him off the wall, Andrew and his friends passed, looks were exchanged and Chris and I headed west to MacDougal. Chris was so wasted that he could not go into The Scrap so he opted to sit outside and wait for me. Every once in awhile I would go check on him and he was okay. When I was good and wasted, I scooped him up and we headed for the subway. I remember him getting off the train, but never made it. That night I was rolled for my money and my cigarettes. Thankfully, nothing else was disturbed. The train had gone into the yards and then turned around. When I got out of the train, I had no idea where I was or if I was on this planet. Although I left the train station, when I hit the street, I had no clue where I was so I jumped the turnstyle and got back on the train. Again, I got off, but was not sure where I was. How I made it home is a mystery.
This guy respected me so much that when Andrew hurt me, he wanted to get Neil to break his wrists so that he could not wipe his own ass. I did not want to have Drew hurt as what goes around comes around. Drew paid his due and proper...he is dead.
Oh, before I forget, I had untied Bobby shoes one day and he forgot to tie them, so when we got outside and I chased him into the street, he tripped over his own laces and fell on his face. The pointing and laughing was too much, but that is what friends do. Actually, I am looking for the Anna & Carlos sex tape that Bobby recorded which is funny as hell. Imagine this bitch screaming iiieeee poppy! LMAO
Carlos was treated like a dog and was not really allowed into my apartment proper as he would have to sit on the floor by the door. When he called me a self-centered bitch who only thought of herself that is when I gave him respect and we befriend as he was right and had to balls to tell me. The shock in his voice when I agreed was funny as hell.
Carl was a real dick to Anna and I placed that sucker in shit status and made sure that he took Anna back when her father died as the prick gave her the news like he was talking about the weather then kicked her out of his apartment.
I really need to fill in the blanks someday. ~ Arachne ~ 12/14/06 @ 2:12 p.m.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
The Phantom
A hush draws upon the speaking voices of the floor and the balcony as the lights dim and the gavel hits the auction block. The *chandelier lies upon the stage in a seemingly broken fashion and the story of love begins.
Sitting in my seat at the Majestic Theatre, I lean over the railing and I cry for the Phantom as he hides behind his mask, but his heart bears so much love. Anyone who sees beyond the mask, will see his great love hidden behind anger. ~ Arachne December 12, 2006 @ 3:12 a.m.
* In his anger, the Phantom had the chandelier crash to the stage of the opera as no one listened to him nor loved him. Only fear of him was had.
Imagine the rising of the candelabra from the floor of the stage and the dry ice fog as a boat steered by the Phantom takes Christine away. The beauty of that scene will be with me always just as the one of him crying for the woman he loved.
Listening to "Magical Lasso"
Sitting in my seat at the Majestic Theatre, I lean over the railing and I cry for the Phantom as he hides behind his mask, but his heart bears so much love. Anyone who sees beyond the mask, will see his great love hidden behind anger. ~ Arachne December 12, 2006 @ 3:12 a.m.
* In his anger, the Phantom had the chandelier crash to the stage of the opera as no one listened to him nor loved him. Only fear of him was had.
Imagine the rising of the candelabra from the floor of the stage and the dry ice fog as a boat steered by the Phantom takes Christine away. The beauty of that scene will be with me always just as the one of him crying for the woman he loved.
Listening to "Magical Lasso"
Saturday, December 9, 2006
The Eating of Ice Cream
Mr. Softy's (I believe that this is a registered trademark.) ice cream truck's annoying looped music is enough to drive anyone crazy, however, it serves as an alarm that the truck is outside. You best hurry and get your money out before the truck leaves. Soft vanilla ice cream on a cone is a sweet treat on any hot summer night. If one is inclined, sprinkles can be added for a delightful taste of chocolate on the buds. Unfortunately, the heat of the night causes the delight to melt rapidly. As such, the eating of the ice cream would have to be done starting from the bottom up as the leaking cream can leave you with sticky hands, ice cream on your stoop, and ants. Therefore, every effort is made to capture the melting concoction before it is too late. My tongue licks at the base yet the sides are not forgotten. My mouth also goes over the top and I take in the length of this sweet delight and I suck up just the leaking part of the cream without taking the entire head off. The tip can be captured by the lips very easily as it is intact although dripping downward. Is there a method to the eating of this treat? You are god damned right there is! Wee ha! Just know that you will always hear the truck CUMING before it actually gets to you.
NOTE: Good Humor has bells on the truck and does not sell fresh from the machine ice cream as all their stock is frozen and 98 percent of their items are on a stick (except for an ice cream sandwich and drum stick). Hum...A red, white, and blue Ice Rocket can be fun too. Ahh yup! ~ Arachne 12/09/06 @ 5:59 a.m.
NOTE: Good Humor has bells on the truck and does not sell fresh from the machine ice cream as all their stock is frozen and 98 percent of their items are on a stick (except for an ice cream sandwich and drum stick). Hum...A red, white, and blue Ice Rocket can be fun too. Ahh yup! ~ Arachne 12/09/06 @ 5:59 a.m.
Friday, December 8, 2006
Drop A Dime
Passing this tribute along. This man was a killer guitarist who backed his band for all he was worth. When I think back to the days of having seen Pantera in concert, I remember the movement of the crowd filling Roseland during THIS LOVE. I had told Anna to watch the movement of the crowd...I said to her that the people will appear as a sea of movement until the waves crash on the shore. The mosh pit was alive and bodies where flying all over. The mini pits were mild as the guys in the real pit were getting bloodied.
This one guy who was real sweaty, had a boot print on his forehead, and looked real angry after leaving the pit. As he made his way through the crowd, they moved. I moved too to let him by. What made him grab my face and kiss me and then keep walking is beyond me.
Roseland had mirrored columns and they were taped to keep from shattering due to the impact of the crowd. That did not save all the mirrors.
On this same night, some guy from Jersey offered me a metal pick to stab people. I was like nah...thanks anyway. I must have dopey written on my forehead.
Totally different show...still Pantera and again at Roseland...Drew and I were FUCKING HOSTILE...I remember we were wasted and got to 52nd St. via motorcycle. The night was real hot and I was only wearing a black fishnet top (big holed net...no not a poser fishnet top), black mini, and black bra. It was so hot, I took the top off and stuck it in the helmet. Drew went for center pit and I went to a smaller pit. I can still feel the pain in my neck from head banging that night. As we were leaving we could still hear the fans screaming FUCKING HOSTILE in the streets and giving each other the horns. No one knew who you were, but if you were a fan, you were a friend.
At another show Jen got punched in the face. Duh??? Where was her guard? Same place mine was for On Broken Wings. Dimebag, R.I.P. dude and thanks for the memories that drugs and booze did not block out!!!!!! ~ Arachne 12/08/06 @ 3:29 a.m.
This one guy who was real sweaty, had a boot print on his forehead, and looked real angry after leaving the pit. As he made his way through the crowd, they moved. I moved too to let him by. What made him grab my face and kiss me and then keep walking is beyond me.
Roseland had mirrored columns and they were taped to keep from shattering due to the impact of the crowd. That did not save all the mirrors.
On this same night, some guy from Jersey offered me a metal pick to stab people. I was like nah...thanks anyway. I must have dopey written on my forehead.
Totally different show...still Pantera and again at Roseland...Drew and I were FUCKING HOSTILE...I remember we were wasted and got to 52nd St. via motorcycle. The night was real hot and I was only wearing a black fishnet top (big holed net...no not a poser fishnet top), black mini, and black bra. It was so hot, I took the top off and stuck it in the helmet. Drew went for center pit and I went to a smaller pit. I can still feel the pain in my neck from head banging that night. As we were leaving we could still hear the fans screaming FUCKING HOSTILE in the streets and giving each other the horns. No one knew who you were, but if you were a fan, you were a friend.
At another show Jen got punched in the face. Duh??? Where was her guard? Same place mine was for On Broken Wings. Dimebag, R.I.P. dude and thanks for the memories that drugs and booze did not block out!!!!!! ~ Arachne 12/08/06 @ 3:29 a.m.
Thursday, December 7, 2006
My Baby
My little girl can yank my chain in the biggest way ever. She can call me and ball about the craziest thing and I will laugh and cry with her. This morning as I was blasting an old tape that was supposed to be MY music, however, I found her stuff on it that was recorded about 10 years ago over mine. When she heard the music in the background, she said OMFG I don't believe it. Although I told her that I do listen to her music when I miss her to give me a feel of her, she never caught me. Well, I was busted this morning and you know what...it felt good!
Today's stories were about CHARMIN WORLD (toilet paper), the John Travolta M&M, and the office chair. I will skip Charmin World and Travolta, however, I will share the office chair. She and her friend were in Times Square last night and they found an old office chair with wheels. Well Nix not falling too too far from the tree, was rolling around the street with it. At some point she was giving rides to a homeless guy who in appreciation sat on her lap and later gave her a kiss. THAT'S MY GIRL. Maybe I did rub off on her somewhat.
This holiday will be the first time since she was born that I will not be with her. I have kept my bill money on the side and I am really thinking hard on taking off. My heart is pulling so damn hard, however, I also realize that I have to be practical. Which will win out? FUCK I CAN'T STAND IT!
Today I heard Staying Alive from Saturday Night Fever while in the car dealership: I was dancing to it and crying at the same time. I miss her sooooooooo much! ~ 12/7/06 @ 7:56 p.m.
Today's stories were about CHARMIN WORLD (toilet paper), the John Travolta M&M, and the office chair. I will skip Charmin World and Travolta, however, I will share the office chair. She and her friend were in Times Square last night and they found an old office chair with wheels. Well Nix not falling too too far from the tree, was rolling around the street with it. At some point she was giving rides to a homeless guy who in appreciation sat on her lap and later gave her a kiss. THAT'S MY GIRL. Maybe I did rub off on her somewhat.
This holiday will be the first time since she was born that I will not be with her. I have kept my bill money on the side and I am really thinking hard on taking off. My heart is pulling so damn hard, however, I also realize that I have to be practical. Which will win out? FUCK I CAN'T STAND IT!
Today I heard Staying Alive from Saturday Night Fever while in the car dealership: I was dancing to it and crying at the same time. I miss her sooooooooo much! ~ 12/7/06 @ 7:56 p.m.
Tuesday, December 5, 2006
Frustrated
Everyday, I pace outside the window and long for this granddaddy of a lollipop. This little kid wants the big beautiful twist lollipop that dangles in the window. Its bright colors and twisted candy look scream my name and although I stare at it and hunger for it, I don't know how to get it. Angrily, I stomp my feet in frustration like a spoiled little brat and curse my own longing. With my face pressed against the window, I search my pockets and pull them outward only to retrieve a penny and then to a sport a set of rabbit ears. What the hell can rabbit ears do? How will a penny allow me to get at this lollipop whose cost might as well be a million dollars? Pacing outside the shop, all the other confections are ignored. Sure I see all the others, however, I want the beautiful lollipop that dangles almost in front of my face. Only a tiny bit of glass separates me from it yet it might as well be housed in Fort Knox.
If I could get at my desire, would it be a slow and long lick so that I can truly enjoy it or would I hungrily eat it up like biting into a Tootsie Pop to get to the center? I don't fucking know. ~ Maggie ~ 12/05/06 @ 9:53 a.m.
* Just so you know, I am not really talking about a lollipop. Also, the lollipop that I am trying to describe is not your everyday regular lollipop. This one is made with a long strip of colorful candy (yellow, blue, red, orange, and green) that is wound and placed on a stick. If you were to look at it, it would look like a spiral laid flat or a multicolored bull's eye. If you have ever seen a rag rug, it is kind of the same with the mixed colors and spiral design. In other words, this confection is complex in design and color whereas most lollipops are plain.
Miracle: I actually knocked myself out without xanax last night. I found la la land.
If I could get at my desire, would it be a slow and long lick so that I can truly enjoy it or would I hungrily eat it up like biting into a Tootsie Pop to get to the center? I don't fucking know. ~ Maggie ~ 12/05/06 @ 9:53 a.m.
* Just so you know, I am not really talking about a lollipop. Also, the lollipop that I am trying to describe is not your everyday regular lollipop. This one is made with a long strip of colorful candy (yellow, blue, red, orange, and green) that is wound and placed on a stick. If you were to look at it, it would look like a spiral laid flat or a multicolored bull's eye. If you have ever seen a rag rug, it is kind of the same with the mixed colors and spiral design. In other words, this confection is complex in design and color whereas most lollipops are plain.
Miracle: I actually knocked myself out without xanax last night. I found la la land.
Sunday, December 3, 2006
The Heart Has No Eyes
When you feel something for someone, what they look like, what they have, or don't have is not an issue. What is an issue is how the heart is affected. They say that love is blind and I can totally relate to that as what flaws exist in the eyes of others are not seen by the person who truly loves. No one can say that one specific thing causes a heart to fly in a specific direction as each individual has a different chord. However, it is possible for a chord to be struck just as hard as a previous one. Although the two chords are very different, the heart sings the same music and is bound with affection. The heart sees more beauty that the eyes could ever behold and this message is transferred to the brain and stored. ~ 12/03/06 @ 7:27 p.m.
Saturday, December 2, 2006
Two Hits of Purple Haze
Two Hits of Purple Haze
Thoughts are like maggots on a carcass
Eating and feeding
Death brings life
Squirming and slithering around in my head
They'll never stop until I am dead
Who is to say what lunacy holds
Beneath the darkness; beneath the folds ~ Arachne
Two Hits of Purple Haze
As I looked at the pills before me, I though WOW I wonder what will happen. My cousin Joey told me to make sure that I only took half a pill as this was my first trip. Well, I did listen to him initially. I took out a razor and cut the pill into two parts and although mighty tiny, I dropped it and waited...and waited...and waited. Sorry to say that I am not a patient person in some respects, therefore, I decided to drop the other half. Much to my dismay, nothing happened. This is approximately one hour later After waiting for sometime now, I said: Fuck it! I am taking the other one. So, two hits of purple haze had been dropped and again I waited.
I was lying in my bed watching an old back and white TV and chilling out. Other than the light of my TV, there was the stark white bulb that hung on the ceiling like a open sore. I can't say that I remember the movie I was watching, but it was not a cartoon. After awhile, I was having a hard time hearing what was being said by the people on TV as only every other word was being heard. I was like: WOW this is interesting. Not too long afterward, they were cartoon characters who couldn't talk properly.
The ugly bulb in the ceiling was suddenly full of color and the colors kept changing. Again, I thought: WOW this is great. Sure it was all fun and games as the entertainment was on HIGH. This shit was making me feel like Alice in Wonderland and I was loving it without a doubt. Maybe I was bugging too much on what I could not hear and what I realized could not be really happening. That may have thrown my trip off kilter because before I knew it, the walls started to ooze blood and come alive. The joyful comic display was turning into a horror show that I could not stop.
All the posters on my walls were moving and being covered by blood that was now kind of gushing. The taste of blood was then transferred into my mouth and I could taste the iron of the substance. Madness was all around me and I had nowhere to go.
The pajamas that I had on that night were red and I had used scented talcum power. The color of my Pjs were driving me crazy and I had to take them off as fast as I could. The smell of the powder, which was strawberry, was not something that I could escape.
By this time, I had shut the TV and light in hopes that if I could not see it, it would not get me. Unfortunately, that did not work. As I tried to talk myself straight, sirens were going off in my head and blasting the sound of my own rational thoughts to silence. I tried to pray to god for this to stop and to let me be normal again, but that prayer fell on deaf ears. Sure, I had done this to myself and now it was time to deal with the situation. Thoughts of talking myself straight were still trying to be had, but I felt like I was fighting a monster and the monster was my mind. I tried to lie still and not to think at all...total shutdown, but that didn't happen either so I curled into a fetal position and hugged myself. My eyes were razor sharp and even in the darkness of my room there was light...light enough for me to look at my gray arm and see the little dwarfs run down my arm. With whatever strength I had in my other arm, I made a dash to get them off of me. Sure, they were gone but what was left of my arm? It had aged and the veins were popping out as I was suddenly very old and almost not capable of moving, but move I did. Sitting there with my head in my hands, I decided to look out the window. Pulling the shade aside, I saw the tree. Normally this tree was a pleasant tree that was green and provided shade by my window, however, not on this night. NO. On this night the tree was a monster that was trying to get through my window with its branched arms lunging toward me and scaring the shit out of me.
My room had become quite tiny by this time as all that existed was me and my brain. There was no room for anything else as my mind sought to fill me with every horror that I had ever thought upon up to this point in my life. Accepting that I had gone mad was a hard thing to think of so I wished for death only that did not come either. Minutes seemed like hours or hours seemed like minutes as time was not real. Nothing was real...not even me. None of my senses were picking up things accurately and I could not fight myself as I had tried and lost.
After what seemed like an eternity, I smelled eggs and heard real loud talking. The smell and the sound were making me nuts and I wanted it to stop so I threw on my robe, opened my door, and headed downstairs and through the door that separated the kitchen from the main part of the house. Yeah I heard the radio voices and smelled the eggs all the way upstairs and through two doors. I must have looked like a beast let out of the cage as my grandfather and his wife looked oddly at me as I screamed for them to stop with the noise and to stop cooking. At this point, I was totally off the wall and looking for relief in any way I could get it. I thought maybe I should go wash my face as it might help me feel better. The cold water was scooped up from the faucet and splashed on my face several times before I looked in the mirror to see the maggots eating my face and my eyes wide and black. Damn I needed to get out...I needed to get out of being me. Everything around me was disturbing and I could not find a second of peace from myself.
Really I must have looked like a deranged animal as my step grams pointed her finger in my face and yelled to my grandpa that I was on drugs. Not for anything, my night was hell and this woman was now all up in my face and my mind was not RIGHT. To say that I wanted to rip her head off and feed it to her, is an understatement. Rage was burning in my veins and those black eyes were staring off in her direction shooting daggers. I suppose she thought better than to stay in my face as she backed off. Maybe it was the glare of my eyes or my heavy breathing and tossed look that scared her. I will never know.
Making it back to my room, and I am not sure how I did it, I managed to get dressed and head back downstairs past the dynamic duo sitting there looking at me with weird looks. Outside I went and hopped on my bike and rode. I did not want to think, see, or do, but these functions were out of my control everything and everything was wacked. I could not even enjoy a cigarette as they tasted like shit. What to do? What to do? I know! I will smoke menthols. I can't say how I looked at that point or how my actions appeared to the sales person behind the counter, but I felt like I was maniacal. At a loss and still hoping for relief, I sat outside the store and had a smoke. Hum. Not bad. First good thing so far other than the skipped words on TV, the cartoons figures, and the cool lights. WOW pleasure again! It was at this point I started to chill out. Sitting there in the sun and smoking was working wonders. Duh...how about a chocolate bar? Yeah. Let me head to another store though. Off I went to get my sweets. Hum...good stuff. It seems like the hell of my night was finally ending, however, even though I started to feel GOOD things again...things that brought some small sort of pleasure, I felt like I had the worst beating of my life. I was drained dead.
All I could remember after that was that sleep was hard to obtain and that my trip lasted for 12 hours.
You may be wondering did she do it again after all this and I would have to say yeah. Most of my trips were bad trips too. Actually, I can't really remember a good one. Some were funny afterthoughts, but the living of it, was not. Shit, 21 years of substance abuse does wear on you. Ergo, here I am! Eat Me!!! ~ 12/2/06 @ 11:22 p.m
NOTE: You know what I love about life, truth is STRANGER than fiction. Welcome to my nightmare...some of it. I got tons more.
Thoughts are like maggots on a carcass
Eating and feeding
Death brings life
Squirming and slithering around in my head
They'll never stop until I am dead
Who is to say what lunacy holds
Beneath the darkness; beneath the folds ~ Arachne
Two Hits of Purple Haze
As I looked at the pills before me, I though WOW I wonder what will happen. My cousin Joey told me to make sure that I only took half a pill as this was my first trip. Well, I did listen to him initially. I took out a razor and cut the pill into two parts and although mighty tiny, I dropped it and waited...and waited...and waited. Sorry to say that I am not a patient person in some respects, therefore, I decided to drop the other half. Much to my dismay, nothing happened. This is approximately one hour later After waiting for sometime now, I said: Fuck it! I am taking the other one. So, two hits of purple haze had been dropped and again I waited.
I was lying in my bed watching an old back and white TV and chilling out. Other than the light of my TV, there was the stark white bulb that hung on the ceiling like a open sore. I can't say that I remember the movie I was watching, but it was not a cartoon. After awhile, I was having a hard time hearing what was being said by the people on TV as only every other word was being heard. I was like: WOW this is interesting. Not too long afterward, they were cartoon characters who couldn't talk properly.
The ugly bulb in the ceiling was suddenly full of color and the colors kept changing. Again, I thought: WOW this is great. Sure it was all fun and games as the entertainment was on HIGH. This shit was making me feel like Alice in Wonderland and I was loving it without a doubt. Maybe I was bugging too much on what I could not hear and what I realized could not be really happening. That may have thrown my trip off kilter because before I knew it, the walls started to ooze blood and come alive. The joyful comic display was turning into a horror show that I could not stop.
All the posters on my walls were moving and being covered by blood that was now kind of gushing. The taste of blood was then transferred into my mouth and I could taste the iron of the substance. Madness was all around me and I had nowhere to go.
The pajamas that I had on that night were red and I had used scented talcum power. The color of my Pjs were driving me crazy and I had to take them off as fast as I could. The smell of the powder, which was strawberry, was not something that I could escape.
By this time, I had shut the TV and light in hopes that if I could not see it, it would not get me. Unfortunately, that did not work. As I tried to talk myself straight, sirens were going off in my head and blasting the sound of my own rational thoughts to silence. I tried to pray to god for this to stop and to let me be normal again, but that prayer fell on deaf ears. Sure, I had done this to myself and now it was time to deal with the situation. Thoughts of talking myself straight were still trying to be had, but I felt like I was fighting a monster and the monster was my mind. I tried to lie still and not to think at all...total shutdown, but that didn't happen either so I curled into a fetal position and hugged myself. My eyes were razor sharp and even in the darkness of my room there was light...light enough for me to look at my gray arm and see the little dwarfs run down my arm. With whatever strength I had in my other arm, I made a dash to get them off of me. Sure, they were gone but what was left of my arm? It had aged and the veins were popping out as I was suddenly very old and almost not capable of moving, but move I did. Sitting there with my head in my hands, I decided to look out the window. Pulling the shade aside, I saw the tree. Normally this tree was a pleasant tree that was green and provided shade by my window, however, not on this night. NO. On this night the tree was a monster that was trying to get through my window with its branched arms lunging toward me and scaring the shit out of me.
My room had become quite tiny by this time as all that existed was me and my brain. There was no room for anything else as my mind sought to fill me with every horror that I had ever thought upon up to this point in my life. Accepting that I had gone mad was a hard thing to think of so I wished for death only that did not come either. Minutes seemed like hours or hours seemed like minutes as time was not real. Nothing was real...not even me. None of my senses were picking up things accurately and I could not fight myself as I had tried and lost.
After what seemed like an eternity, I smelled eggs and heard real loud talking. The smell and the sound were making me nuts and I wanted it to stop so I threw on my robe, opened my door, and headed downstairs and through the door that separated the kitchen from the main part of the house. Yeah I heard the radio voices and smelled the eggs all the way upstairs and through two doors. I must have looked like a beast let out of the cage as my grandfather and his wife looked oddly at me as I screamed for them to stop with the noise and to stop cooking. At this point, I was totally off the wall and looking for relief in any way I could get it. I thought maybe I should go wash my face as it might help me feel better. The cold water was scooped up from the faucet and splashed on my face several times before I looked in the mirror to see the maggots eating my face and my eyes wide and black. Damn I needed to get out...I needed to get out of being me. Everything around me was disturbing and I could not find a second of peace from myself.
Really I must have looked like a deranged animal as my step grams pointed her finger in my face and yelled to my grandpa that I was on drugs. Not for anything, my night was hell and this woman was now all up in my face and my mind was not RIGHT. To say that I wanted to rip her head off and feed it to her, is an understatement. Rage was burning in my veins and those black eyes were staring off in her direction shooting daggers. I suppose she thought better than to stay in my face as she backed off. Maybe it was the glare of my eyes or my heavy breathing and tossed look that scared her. I will never know.
Making it back to my room, and I am not sure how I did it, I managed to get dressed and head back downstairs past the dynamic duo sitting there looking at me with weird looks. Outside I went and hopped on my bike and rode. I did not want to think, see, or do, but these functions were out of my control everything and everything was wacked. I could not even enjoy a cigarette as they tasted like shit. What to do? What to do? I know! I will smoke menthols. I can't say how I looked at that point or how my actions appeared to the sales person behind the counter, but I felt like I was maniacal. At a loss and still hoping for relief, I sat outside the store and had a smoke. Hum. Not bad. First good thing so far other than the skipped words on TV, the cartoons figures, and the cool lights. WOW pleasure again! It was at this point I started to chill out. Sitting there in the sun and smoking was working wonders. Duh...how about a chocolate bar? Yeah. Let me head to another store though. Off I went to get my sweets. Hum...good stuff. It seems like the hell of my night was finally ending, however, even though I started to feel GOOD things again...things that brought some small sort of pleasure, I felt like I had the worst beating of my life. I was drained dead.
All I could remember after that was that sleep was hard to obtain and that my trip lasted for 12 hours.
You may be wondering did she do it again after all this and I would have to say yeah. Most of my trips were bad trips too. Actually, I can't really remember a good one. Some were funny afterthoughts, but the living of it, was not. Shit, 21 years of substance abuse does wear on you. Ergo, here I am! Eat Me!!! ~ 12/2/06 @ 11:22 p.m
NOTE: You know what I love about life, truth is STRANGER than fiction. Welcome to my nightmare...some of it. I got tons more.
Friday, December 1, 2006
Institutionalized - Suicidal!
Last time I saw Suicidal was when they played with Metallica and Danzig. They had two shows in the tri-state area (Long Island & Jersey) and I went to both. On the first night, I went with Fat Bobby, Judy, and Steve. On the second night, I went with Fat Bobby, Jimmy, and Carlos (I think). It could have been Chris.
** Background of my friends: Fat Bobby was a coke dealer, Judy was the head of graphic designs where I worked, Steve was/is her husband, Jimmy was a metal head, Carlos is Carlos (long story), and Chris was a skinhead with hair who spoke like Arnold..."I'll be back." LMAO Chris was also a heroin junkie in a real bad way.
6. Institutionalized
[Mike Muir/Mayorga]
Sometimes I try to do things and they just don't turn out the way I want em to.
And I get real frustrated and it's like, I take my time and I try real hard
And no matter what I do, and no matter what I try
It never works out.
And it's like, I concentrate on it real hard, but it never works out
And it's like, I need some time to figure these things out.
But there's always someone there going
Hey Mike: You know, we've been noticing you have a lot of problems lately.
You know, and like maybe you should talk about it, you'll feel a lot better
And I go: No it's okay, I'm having some problems, I'll figure it out myself, just leave me alone.
I'll figure it out.
And they go: Why don't you talk about it? You'll feel a lot better.
And I go: No I don't want to! Just leave me alone, I'll figure it out myself!
And they just keep on bugging me and it builds up inside
And it builds up inside
So you're gonna be institutionalized
You'll come out brainwashed with bloodshot eyes
You won't have any say
They'll brainwash you until you see their way.
I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself
I was in my room and I was like starin at the walls thinking about
Everything but then again I was thinking about nothing
And then my mom came in and I didn't even know she was there and she called my name
And I didn't hear it, and then she started screaming MIKE! MIKE!
And I go: What, what's the matter?
And she goes: What's the matter with you?
I said: Nothing, mom
And she goes: Don't tell me nothing, you're on drugs!
I go: No mom I'm not on drugs I'm okay, I'm just thinking you know, why don't you get me a Pepsi?
And she goes: NO you're on drugs! You're crazy! Normal people don't be acting that way.
I go: Mom I'm alright, I'm just thinking, you know. So why don't you like get me a Pepsi?
And she goes: No, you're crazy!
All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me.
Just one Pepsi.
They give you a white shirt with long sleeves
Tied around you're back, you're treated like thieves
Drug you up because they're lazy
It's too much work to help a crazy
I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself
I was sitting in my room and my mom and my dad came in and they pulled up a chair and they sat down, They go: Mike, we need to talk to you
And I said: Okay what's the matter?
They go: Me and your mom have been noticing lately you've been having a lot of problems,
And you haven't been acting like yourself.
And we're afraid that you're gonna hurt somebody.
And we're afraid that you're gonna hurt yourself.
So we decided that it would be in your interest if we put you somewhere
Where you could get the help that you need.
And I said: Wait, what are we talking about? We decided!? My best interest?!
How can you know, how can you say what my best interest is?
What are you trying to say, I'm crazy?
When I went to your schools, I went to your churches, I went to your institutional learning facilities?!
So how can you say that I'm crazy.
They say they're gonna fix my brain
Alleviate my suffering and my pain
But by the time they fix my head
Mentally I'll be dead
I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself
It doesn't matter I'll probably get hit by a car anyway.
http://www.darklyrics.com/lyrics/suicidaltendencies/stillcycoafteralltheseyears.html#6
http://www.darklyrics.com/s/suicidaltendencies.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicidal_Tendencies
LISTENING TO: LIFELESS EYES by ART OF CONVULSION!!! Add these guys to your friends list. Check out their site. See my TOP FRIENDS. Don't be lame! ~ 12/1/06
** Background of my friends: Fat Bobby was a coke dealer, Judy was the head of graphic designs where I worked, Steve was/is her husband, Jimmy was a metal head, Carlos is Carlos (long story), and Chris was a skinhead with hair who spoke like Arnold..."I'll be back." LMAO Chris was also a heroin junkie in a real bad way.
6. Institutionalized
[Mike Muir/Mayorga]
Sometimes I try to do things and they just don't turn out the way I want em to.
And I get real frustrated and it's like, I take my time and I try real hard
And no matter what I do, and no matter what I try
It never works out.
And it's like, I concentrate on it real hard, but it never works out
And it's like, I need some time to figure these things out.
But there's always someone there going
Hey Mike: You know, we've been noticing you have a lot of problems lately.
You know, and like maybe you should talk about it, you'll feel a lot better
And I go: No it's okay, I'm having some problems, I'll figure it out myself, just leave me alone.
I'll figure it out.
And they go: Why don't you talk about it? You'll feel a lot better.
And I go: No I don't want to! Just leave me alone, I'll figure it out myself!
And they just keep on bugging me and it builds up inside
And it builds up inside
So you're gonna be institutionalized
You'll come out brainwashed with bloodshot eyes
You won't have any say
They'll brainwash you until you see their way.
I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself
I was in my room and I was like starin at the walls thinking about
Everything but then again I was thinking about nothing
And then my mom came in and I didn't even know she was there and she called my name
And I didn't hear it, and then she started screaming MIKE! MIKE!
And I go: What, what's the matter?
And she goes: What's the matter with you?
I said: Nothing, mom
And she goes: Don't tell me nothing, you're on drugs!
I go: No mom I'm not on drugs I'm okay, I'm just thinking you know, why don't you get me a Pepsi?
And she goes: NO you're on drugs! You're crazy! Normal people don't be acting that way.
I go: Mom I'm alright, I'm just thinking, you know. So why don't you like get me a Pepsi?
And she goes: No, you're crazy!
All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me.
Just one Pepsi.
They give you a white shirt with long sleeves
Tied around you're back, you're treated like thieves
Drug you up because they're lazy
It's too much work to help a crazy
I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself
I was sitting in my room and my mom and my dad came in and they pulled up a chair and they sat down, They go: Mike, we need to talk to you
And I said: Okay what's the matter?
They go: Me and your mom have been noticing lately you've been having a lot of problems,
And you haven't been acting like yourself.
And we're afraid that you're gonna hurt somebody.
And we're afraid that you're gonna hurt yourself.
So we decided that it would be in your interest if we put you somewhere
Where you could get the help that you need.
And I said: Wait, what are we talking about? We decided!? My best interest?!
How can you know, how can you say what my best interest is?
What are you trying to say, I'm crazy?
When I went to your schools, I went to your churches, I went to your institutional learning facilities?!
So how can you say that I'm crazy.
They say they're gonna fix my brain
Alleviate my suffering and my pain
But by the time they fix my head
Mentally I'll be dead
I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself
It doesn't matter I'll probably get hit by a car anyway.
http://www.darklyrics.com/lyrics/suicidaltendencies/stillcycoafteralltheseyears.html#6
http://www.darklyrics.com/s/suicidaltendencies.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicidal_Tendencies
LISTENING TO: LIFELESS EYES by ART OF CONVULSION!!! Add these guys to your friends list. Check out their site. See my TOP FRIENDS. Don't be lame! ~ 12/1/06
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Bitch and moan: An Asshole’s Rant
Did you ever just feel like crap because... It is like beating yourself up or beating your head against the wall and not even making a dent in your head. It is not that I can't change certain aspects of the way I think because I can as it has been done before: it is called adjustment. Usually, if something causes me pain, I put it to the back of my mind and keep it there for future reference. You would think that I would want to get rid of it. Nah. Some pains are not worth parting with.
This feeling of pain has been buried before yet it always rises to the surface with or without my doing. That is what I find fascinating about memory. I can remove all or most of what is associated to the cause of my self-created grief, yet I can't erase what my mind holds. Reprogramming can be done so that I can look at things in a different light and gain strength or knowledge from an event while at the same time that event will pull triggers of yet earlier events and help me in later events. It is called experience and it is wonderful. Therefore, in the long run, I am back at square one with the original pain only this time I am better armed, but still open to hurt.
Sometimes I wish I were I heartless bitch who did not could care less for others, but that is not me. It would be a safe way to live, but safe sucks when you think about it. Risks are what make life worth living and if risks involve repeated pain, then so be it. Please realize that I am not referring to repeating the same mistakes over and over again as that is totally foolish. What I am trying to say is that no matter what choices you or I make in life, there will be ups and downs and sometimes the downs will hurt, however, it will make the ups so much more appreciated and valuable. Hell, I sometimes look back at what hurt me and smile as the experience was so worth having.
Maybe the reader will think that I am mental case in writing this, however, I don't care. This is me so take it or leave it. I don't really give a rat's ass one way or the other as these are my feelings. ~ 11/29/06 @ 1:16 p.m.
Post Script: With any luck, I will get Alzheimer's. ~ 1:40 p.m.
This feeling of pain has been buried before yet it always rises to the surface with or without my doing. That is what I find fascinating about memory. I can remove all or most of what is associated to the cause of my self-created grief, yet I can't erase what my mind holds. Reprogramming can be done so that I can look at things in a different light and gain strength or knowledge from an event while at the same time that event will pull triggers of yet earlier events and help me in later events. It is called experience and it is wonderful. Therefore, in the long run, I am back at square one with the original pain only this time I am better armed, but still open to hurt.
Sometimes I wish I were I heartless bitch who did not could care less for others, but that is not me. It would be a safe way to live, but safe sucks when you think about it. Risks are what make life worth living and if risks involve repeated pain, then so be it. Please realize that I am not referring to repeating the same mistakes over and over again as that is totally foolish. What I am trying to say is that no matter what choices you or I make in life, there will be ups and downs and sometimes the downs will hurt, however, it will make the ups so much more appreciated and valuable. Hell, I sometimes look back at what hurt me and smile as the experience was so worth having.
Maybe the reader will think that I am mental case in writing this, however, I don't care. This is me so take it or leave it. I don't really give a rat's ass one way or the other as these are my feelings. ~ 11/29/06 @ 1:16 p.m.
Post Script: With any luck, I will get Alzheimer's. ~ 1:40 p.m.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Come Out and Play:
Looking
ever so sweet in his jeans and Converse sneaks, he jumps off the cannon
and heads towards me. I take his hand and we head out into the setting
sun to go on an adventure that will lead us to strange and new places
that only our imagination can take us. With the innocence of children,
we laugh and joke and enjoy the moment for what the moment brings is
magickal and thus never ending.
The world is our playground and, like two children, we take full advantage of it. He is the king and I am the queen. Although not of royal blood, we have ascended the monkey bars and thus we run the grounds as far as our eyes can see. The hobby horses are not only our court, but also our steeds on which we gallop the grounds. Granted, the coil that holds them in place keep us in place as well, however, only those who would lay eyes on us would see that. Actually, we are like the children who jump through the chalk drawing in Mary Poppins. We may not have carousel horses, but ours are just as grand if not more so.
He has a surprise for me at a special park. There in the middle lies a giant spider web made of cable and oh so craftily suspended. Not even the great weaver Arachne herself could weave such a design to withstand our weighted passions. As this is my surprise from him, I too must give him a surprise. Being the good little spider that I am, I head to the center of the web and beckon him to join me. The playful child quickly begins to lose her childlike innocence and turns to a woman and then from a woman to "the black widow." Her invite to be joined does not go unnoticed by the boy who turns to a man and then from a man to a mate. He heads toward me.
Although he enters the web with anticipation, I too have anticipations. Under the full moon, we are many shades of gray and yet our true colors show through. I entwine myself within the web rather than entwine him and wait for him to prey upon me. This widow shall not kill her mate, however, she will allow him to devour her. ~ 11/27/06
The world is our playground and, like two children, we take full advantage of it. He is the king and I am the queen. Although not of royal blood, we have ascended the monkey bars and thus we run the grounds as far as our eyes can see. The hobby horses are not only our court, but also our steeds on which we gallop the grounds. Granted, the coil that holds them in place keep us in place as well, however, only those who would lay eyes on us would see that. Actually, we are like the children who jump through the chalk drawing in Mary Poppins. We may not have carousel horses, but ours are just as grand if not more so.
He has a surprise for me at a special park. There in the middle lies a giant spider web made of cable and oh so craftily suspended. Not even the great weaver Arachne herself could weave such a design to withstand our weighted passions. As this is my surprise from him, I too must give him a surprise. Being the good little spider that I am, I head to the center of the web and beckon him to join me. The playful child quickly begins to lose her childlike innocence and turns to a woman and then from a woman to "the black widow." Her invite to be joined does not go unnoticed by the boy who turns to a man and then from a man to a mate. He heads toward me.
Although he enters the web with anticipation, I too have anticipations. Under the full moon, we are many shades of gray and yet our true colors show through. I entwine myself within the web rather than entwine him and wait for him to prey upon me. This widow shall not kill her mate, however, she will allow him to devour her. ~ 11/27/06
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Lust
Lying before him, my head rises and I see his body of masculinity in all its glory. I gaze into his eyes and maintain my sights and wit while bearing witness to his hands that press firmly upon me. His hands are like no other in that they are sculptured like fine marble in pristine manner made possible by a master. He lays grasp upon my thighs and pries me to his way. Better and more beautiful hands could not be found on Adonis as his tone is human. Aye, a bit of a struggle is given, yet in all sincerity, my longing does not want him to waver. Steadfastly, he lays claim to what is justly his and pours forth his rod into my fever and feeds the very fire that he has ignited. - 11/21/06 at 7:03 p.m.
Monday, November 6, 2006
Is it a human being or a human doing?
"Is it a human being or a human doing?"To err is human, to forgive is divine...
Can it be said that divinity can evolve out of forgiveness? Humans err more oft than not yet see more so in others than themselves. Shortcomings of status occur when reflections are not seen in those akin. Thus, those that can extend forgiveness without piety are more akin to god than human.
Who shall cast the first stone? Many. They are oh too human in doing. ~ 11/06/06
Inspired by and written to "Nathan"
Can it be said that divinity can evolve out of forgiveness? Humans err more oft than not yet see more so in others than themselves. Shortcomings of status occur when reflections are not seen in those akin. Thus, those that can extend forgiveness without piety are more akin to god than human.
Who shall cast the first stone? Many. They are oh too human in doing. ~ 11/06/06
Inspired by and written to "Nathan"
Sunday, November 5, 2006
Where Dost Madness Dwell?
Where Dost Madness Dwell?
If insanity dwells within
And heresy is accused
Rest on the laurels of thy base
Or be defiled of thine own being
Madness is what controlled men fear
Their animal lurks beneath their wool clothes
Like a wolf in sheep's skinned stealth
The true blade lies within this sheath o skin
Double edged yet bloodless
More runs through the veins in a leaf
Than bears metal in thine arteries
O petrified forest of men
Whose hearts have turned to stone
Whose legs have taken root to ground
Whose branches no longer expand
Dare to think like a mad hatter or a March hare
And allow Sherwood to thrive ~ 11/5/06
If insanity dwells within
And heresy is accused
Rest on the laurels of thy base
Or be defiled of thine own being
Madness is what controlled men fear
Their animal lurks beneath their wool clothes
Like a wolf in sheep's skinned stealth
The true blade lies within this sheath o skin
Double edged yet bloodless
More runs through the veins in a leaf
Than bears metal in thine arteries
O petrified forest of men
Whose hearts have turned to stone
Whose legs have taken root to ground
Whose branches no longer expand
Dare to think like a mad hatter or a March hare
And allow Sherwood to thrive ~ 11/5/06
Saturday, November 4, 2006
Dreams Disturbed
Over the course of months, I have had a few dreams about a particular person which caused me to wake each and every time.
In the first dream I was awake and received criticism for something as silly as spelling mistakes. His chastisement woke me out of my sleep.
The second dream, I was asleep within. However, he again roused and aroused me in a way that I will keep to myself. The seeming reality of the dream woke me from my actual sleep and delightfully so.
Within the dream last night, I was again asleep, but the method of his crafty kiss succeeded to wake me in the dream and in reality.
Damn, I only slept about 4 hours. Help! What is going on here? Hum. ~ 11/4/06
In the first dream I was awake and received criticism for something as silly as spelling mistakes. His chastisement woke me out of my sleep.
The second dream, I was asleep within. However, he again roused and aroused me in a way that I will keep to myself. The seeming reality of the dream woke me from my actual sleep and delightfully so.
Within the dream last night, I was again asleep, but the method of his crafty kiss succeeded to wake me in the dream and in reality.
Damn, I only slept about 4 hours. Help! What is going on here? Hum. ~ 11/4/06
Letting out some stream
Whaa I am in thinking mode and I want to pull my hair out by the roots! It is just another day of feeling like shit. Yeah okay I have put myself in this situation, but would I have it any other way? NO. You may ask why do I do this to myself? Feelings at any level, whether it is pain or pleasure, is a feeling had. Sometimes what feels like pleasure for one second, makes you feel like shit for years after and therefore it is a pain. I am trying to figure out if pain and pleasure are one and the same.
So I don’t sound too off the wall I will try to explain this. When you love someone (it doesn’t matter who it is in your life), even if it is briefly (briefly could even be 20 years in the course of a lifetime), that love stays with you regardless of what they do to/for you. The absence of that individual for whatever time between the end of the relationship (due to parting of ways or death) and the end of your life is a hell of a long time.
This may sound like I am dwelling in the past, however, the past is a connection to the present and the future and does not only apply in a love situation.
Now think on this: What hurts more...physical or emotional pain? Not for anything, but I would rather take a beating. Black eyes, broken bones, cracked head, and many other things are not so bad in comparison. After reading this over, I realize that they can tie into each other because I would have to look at who is causing the pain and why.
If the person is a stranger who punches your face, you see black and lash out at them with everything you have built up inside you with a massive fury. The impact of the punch that they have given you does not really hurt. It is almost like you want them to give you an excuse to vent. Then again if a person you love hits you, you may or may not lash back. If you do lash back, it would be mild in comparison. Pain does not even have to be delivered by blows as it can come from words that cause scars and internal damage. Boy could I chase my tail on this one. When I start to think about it, it is all fucked up!
There is negative and positive attention. As a kid, I sought attention from my parent in any way that I could get it. While in the custody of a care giver, I did not seek attention at all, but I did receive negative and destructive attention. In conjunction with the negative and positive attention I got from my parent, I started to tune out and stray out into oblivion to deaden all feeling or find a hole in the ground. In the end, even though I found what I believe to be myself after recovering my feelings and trying to deal with them, myself and my feelings turned out to be what a mishmash. At least I did not succeed to the hole in the ground even though it was sought a few times. Coming to terms with myself was not an overnight process as it is still a work in progress. Hell, I may never find out who and what I am, but I won’t give up my evolution regardless of the bumps and bruises that occur along the way. At this point, I allow myself to feel, but at the same time, I realize that I can turn it all inward and disappear. ~ 11/4/06 @ 10:36 a.m.
So I don’t sound too off the wall I will try to explain this. When you love someone (it doesn’t matter who it is in your life), even if it is briefly (briefly could even be 20 years in the course of a lifetime), that love stays with you regardless of what they do to/for you. The absence of that individual for whatever time between the end of the relationship (due to parting of ways or death) and the end of your life is a hell of a long time.
This may sound like I am dwelling in the past, however, the past is a connection to the present and the future and does not only apply in a love situation.
Now think on this: What hurts more...physical or emotional pain? Not for anything, but I would rather take a beating. Black eyes, broken bones, cracked head, and many other things are not so bad in comparison. After reading this over, I realize that they can tie into each other because I would have to look at who is causing the pain and why.
If the person is a stranger who punches your face, you see black and lash out at them with everything you have built up inside you with a massive fury. The impact of the punch that they have given you does not really hurt. It is almost like you want them to give you an excuse to vent. Then again if a person you love hits you, you may or may not lash back. If you do lash back, it would be mild in comparison. Pain does not even have to be delivered by blows as it can come from words that cause scars and internal damage. Boy could I chase my tail on this one. When I start to think about it, it is all fucked up!
There is negative and positive attention. As a kid, I sought attention from my parent in any way that I could get it. While in the custody of a care giver, I did not seek attention at all, but I did receive negative and destructive attention. In conjunction with the negative and positive attention I got from my parent, I started to tune out and stray out into oblivion to deaden all feeling or find a hole in the ground. In the end, even though I found what I believe to be myself after recovering my feelings and trying to deal with them, myself and my feelings turned out to be what a mishmash. At least I did not succeed to the hole in the ground even though it was sought a few times. Coming to terms with myself was not an overnight process as it is still a work in progress. Hell, I may never find out who and what I am, but I won’t give up my evolution regardless of the bumps and bruises that occur along the way. At this point, I allow myself to feel, but at the same time, I realize that I can turn it all inward and disappear. ~ 11/4/06 @ 10:36 a.m.
Friday, November 3, 2006
The Fight in Sheepshead Bay
The Fight in Sheepshead Bay
More memories...
Everyone that knew me, knew I had one vicious temper as I never held anything back. What made Roxanne and Julianne think that I would let it go after I went after them with a baseball bat and threw Andrew down a flight of stairs? Their idle threats that I should watch my back fell on deaf ears. I don't think Andrew let them know what they were up against. That is too bad. At least Andrew told the boyfriend of some Jersey bitch who I bloodied by the pit, to leave before I did more damage to her face. He also warned this other bitch named Sue to leave before I stabbed her. * Clarification...I was wielding a knife and I sliced something and told her she was next. Trust me when I say that her ass moved real quick.
Let's get real here. Not for anything, these people were warned. Some people don't take warnings seriously. Duh!
I had gone looking for Roxanne with a chain wrapped around my fist. Prep work was done prior to leaving home such as making sure that I took off my earring, necklaces, or anything that could bring me down. My blood was boiling and my intent of finding her was great. If I would have found Julianne, her ass would have been kicked instead. Both of them would have been fought if I had to. These two bitches violated respect in a big way and deserved to get hurt. However, Roxanne deserved it more than Julianne. I was in front of the train station in the Bay when I saw her with some of her friends and I called her out to fight. All is fair...I was alone and she had her friends. Right in the middle of the street we had a brawl and I was nailing her. This ass of a guy, whose name escapes me at the moment, but whom I later became friends with jumped me from behind so I flipped him and gave him a heel in the gut. It must have hurt because he held it while lying on the ground. The sound of his head hitting the asphalt sounded like a coconut. Clunk! Everyone heard it. The crowd was laughing at him for getting nailed by a girl. His male friends also gave him shit as it was not fair that he jumped in. Damn it is funny that I can remember his house and could find it tomorrow, but his name is gone. What is funny about this story is that Julianne, the guy I flipped, and their friends became friends with me. Roxanne moved. ~ 11/3/06 ** The guy's name was Billy.
More memories...
Everyone that knew me, knew I had one vicious temper as I never held anything back. What made Roxanne and Julianne think that I would let it go after I went after them with a baseball bat and threw Andrew down a flight of stairs? Their idle threats that I should watch my back fell on deaf ears. I don't think Andrew let them know what they were up against. That is too bad. At least Andrew told the boyfriend of some Jersey bitch who I bloodied by the pit, to leave before I did more damage to her face. He also warned this other bitch named Sue to leave before I stabbed her. * Clarification...I was wielding a knife and I sliced something and told her she was next. Trust me when I say that her ass moved real quick.
Let's get real here. Not for anything, these people were warned. Some people don't take warnings seriously. Duh!
I had gone looking for Roxanne with a chain wrapped around my fist. Prep work was done prior to leaving home such as making sure that I took off my earring, necklaces, or anything that could bring me down. My blood was boiling and my intent of finding her was great. If I would have found Julianne, her ass would have been kicked instead. Both of them would have been fought if I had to. These two bitches violated respect in a big way and deserved to get hurt. However, Roxanne deserved it more than Julianne. I was in front of the train station in the Bay when I saw her with some of her friends and I called her out to fight. All is fair...I was alone and she had her friends. Right in the middle of the street we had a brawl and I was nailing her. This ass of a guy, whose name escapes me at the moment, but whom I later became friends with jumped me from behind so I flipped him and gave him a heel in the gut. It must have hurt because he held it while lying on the ground. The sound of his head hitting the asphalt sounded like a coconut. Clunk! Everyone heard it. The crowd was laughing at him for getting nailed by a girl. His male friends also gave him shit as it was not fair that he jumped in. Damn it is funny that I can remember his house and could find it tomorrow, but his name is gone. What is funny about this story is that Julianne, the guy I flipped, and their friends became friends with me. Roxanne moved. ~ 11/3/06 ** The guy's name was Billy.
Thursday, November 2, 2006
Art of the Time
From out of the Dark Ages there was light
The light was the art of the schools
By whose hands gave us insight to past minds and their view of history
We can note in the paintings of Giotto (1266 - 1336), Duccio Di Buoninsegna (1260? - 1319?), Sassetta (1392 - 1450), and Antonello da Messina (1430? - 1479?) that they viewed past histories from in their own time rather than in its actual time period.
In essence, we are given a good view of the painter's point in time and life in that time.
When thou casts and eye to literature, do cast an eye to art. ~ 11/2/06
The light was the art of the schools
By whose hands gave us insight to past minds and their view of history
We can note in the paintings of Giotto (1266 - 1336), Duccio Di Buoninsegna (1260? - 1319?), Sassetta (1392 - 1450), and Antonello da Messina (1430? - 1479?) that they viewed past histories from in their own time rather than in its actual time period.
In essence, we are given a good view of the painter's point in time and life in that time.
When thou casts and eye to literature, do cast an eye to art. ~ 11/2/06
Beckon Thy Ear
Shard o shard
Dig deep within thee
Let not simmering peace be known’st
Burrow that of malicious intent
Speak naught of that which is arbitrary
And pulls at and upon thy reason
Tis known that birds of plunder are put asunder
By axe or arrow doomed be known
Be not shallow engravings on tin
But grave wounds to the heart
Ready a spit for the harvester
As the sacred lamb shall be put to death ~ 11/2/06
Dig deep within thee
Let not simmering peace be known’st
Burrow that of malicious intent
Speak naught of that which is arbitrary
And pulls at and upon thy reason
Tis known that birds of plunder are put asunder
By axe or arrow doomed be known
Be not shallow engravings on tin
But grave wounds to the heart
Ready a spit for the harvester
As the sacred lamb shall be put to death ~ 11/2/06
Humanity by the Wayside
Lying across my bed I weep tears of sorrow
As the smell of decay has penetrated and provoked my nostrils
And has entered my throat
Escape as I try
These savage scents do not grant me rest
And its residual taste lingers upon my buds
Putrid in form and order
That oft lie overwhelmed is the state of it
My eyes are not blind
Nor are my ears deaf
And I feel as I do
Alas, my senses have not been deprived
The battery thereof has been pushed to excess
So much so that if all and all could be placed in a sphere
Not even Atlas himself could hold charge
Of what I am sent to borrow from those of less fortune
Grant me strength that I may share my load
With those of heart
With thee who see humanity where humanity has been abandoned
Do take heed ~ 11/2/06
As the smell of decay has penetrated and provoked my nostrils
And has entered my throat
Escape as I try
These savage scents do not grant me rest
And its residual taste lingers upon my buds
Putrid in form and order
That oft lie overwhelmed is the state of it
My eyes are not blind
Nor are my ears deaf
And I feel as I do
Alas, my senses have not been deprived
The battery thereof has been pushed to excess
So much so that if all and all could be placed in a sphere
Not even Atlas himself could hold charge
Of what I am sent to borrow from those of less fortune
Grant me strength that I may share my load
With those of heart
With thee who see humanity where humanity has been abandoned
Do take heed ~ 11/2/06
Monday, October 23, 2006
“Captain Caveman”
"Captain Caveman" is a nickname that a good friend gave to another friend of mine quite awhile back. At the time I did not agree and defended the poor bastard. Now after pondering the thought, a caveman would not have manners nor would he know how to interact well socially with civilized people
Let me continue...
This is the case of one male that I had befriended. Those of you who have asked for my help, can attest that I have been more than willing to give assistance when asked. Even if not asked and you are having difficulty, I offer you my assistance. You kind folks in return have always said "thanks." It is a simple gesture of courtesy. Sure it is fine to skip a "thank you" here and there between friends, but to never say it? To never be polite or friendly? To be forever PMSing? Something is wrong with the picture right? Perhaps there is something wrong with the individual himself? I pity the poor bastard as it would seem that he, "Captain Caveman," is TERMINALLY hopeless in the friendship department. Maybe one day he will wake up and smell the coffee, however, he may wake up alone. Isn't that a sad scenario? Pathetic if you ask me.
Respect sits high with me and he has crossed the line on more than one occasion. However, being the sucker that I am, I will always have a place in my heart for him and I will always be open to being his friend. Damn, I must be a total horse's ass. LMAO Nah, I am just a nice person with wicked ways. Actually, had he been an ornery friend in REAL LIFE rather than on the internet, I would have belted him. Friends belt each other then get over it if they are TRUE friends. Somebody correct me if I am wrong. PLEASE... ~ 10/23/06
Let me continue...
This is the case of one male that I had befriended. Those of you who have asked for my help, can attest that I have been more than willing to give assistance when asked. Even if not asked and you are having difficulty, I offer you my assistance. You kind folks in return have always said "thanks." It is a simple gesture of courtesy. Sure it is fine to skip a "thank you" here and there between friends, but to never say it? To never be polite or friendly? To be forever PMSing? Something is wrong with the picture right? Perhaps there is something wrong with the individual himself? I pity the poor bastard as it would seem that he, "Captain Caveman," is TERMINALLY hopeless in the friendship department. Maybe one day he will wake up and smell the coffee, however, he may wake up alone. Isn't that a sad scenario? Pathetic if you ask me.
Respect sits high with me and he has crossed the line on more than one occasion. However, being the sucker that I am, I will always have a place in my heart for him and I will always be open to being his friend. Damn, I must be a total horse's ass. LMAO Nah, I am just a nice person with wicked ways. Actually, had he been an ornery friend in REAL LIFE rather than on the internet, I would have belted him. Friends belt each other then get over it if they are TRUE friends. Somebody correct me if I am wrong. PLEASE... ~ 10/23/06
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Echo Me to Thee
Shall I be broken to conform to his will?
Nay, my will shall be given to him freely
As it has always been there for him
Awaiting his approval
Why break a wild stallion
When the stallion will bow like a valiant show horse
Before a seasoned trainer?
My self-appointed reigns have been humbly offered to him
He just needs to make this realization
I have gentled my condition to him from the start
Yet the capability of my viciousness is known
As we are two sides of the coin
Possessing both good and evil
We can shake hands with our right hand while stabbing with our left
Is it not better to accept the relinquished will of another
And accept a handshake?
Rather than twist them to form
And risk a stab in the back?
What true power can be gained if in fact power is had?
Where is the victory?
Nay to cries of victory over foothills
Aye to those over mountains!
Echo me to thee ~ October 18, 2006
Listening to Lohengrin, Opera, WWV: Act III: Prelude
Nay, my will shall be given to him freely
As it has always been there for him
Awaiting his approval
Why break a wild stallion
When the stallion will bow like a valiant show horse
Before a seasoned trainer?
My self-appointed reigns have been humbly offered to him
He just needs to make this realization
I have gentled my condition to him from the start
Yet the capability of my viciousness is known
As we are two sides of the coin
Possessing both good and evil
We can shake hands with our right hand while stabbing with our left
Is it not better to accept the relinquished will of another
And accept a handshake?
Rather than twist them to form
And risk a stab in the back?
What true power can be gained if in fact power is had?
Where is the victory?
Nay to cries of victory over foothills
Aye to those over mountains!
Echo me to thee ~ October 18, 2006
Listening to Lohengrin, Opera, WWV: Act III: Prelude
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Speechless
Reel to reel
Black and white
The creation of a lifelike pictorial without spoken words is hard to envision as vocal inflection is not present
Thus every action is exaggerated
Animations are made in the best way possible to elicit emotions
Albeit emotions can be negative or positive based on the character
We have the villain, victim, hero, heroine, comic, et al
And each one of them pulls something from us while feeding us at the same time
Very much so the internet reminds me of a silent movie
The only difference is that I am not only watching the Nickelodeon
I am on screen as well
Without the help of a director
Actions can be misinterpreted
I am ready for my close-up Mr. DeMille
Can someone change the REAL? ~ 9/30/06
Black and white
The creation of a lifelike pictorial without spoken words is hard to envision as vocal inflection is not present
Thus every action is exaggerated
Animations are made in the best way possible to elicit emotions
Albeit emotions can be negative or positive based on the character
We have the villain, victim, hero, heroine, comic, et al
And each one of them pulls something from us while feeding us at the same time
Very much so the internet reminds me of a silent movie
The only difference is that I am not only watching the Nickelodeon
I am on screen as well
Without the help of a director
Actions can be misinterpreted
I am ready for my close-up Mr. DeMille
Can someone change the REAL? ~ 9/30/06
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
O, There Art No Name
A woman's heart dost seem to fall for the bard
'Tis not so much the content of the verse as it is the gesture
Yet gesture's form does bear merit more so
Who amongst thee will approach bearing verse?
Not of idle rhyme
Per chance be of curious glorious nature
Will thou delve deeper than surface whilst allowing the same?
Can’st thou set aside judgment as it is thy bar?
All in all, judgment in true form shall not need pardon
Be it ever so fair
Ever so humbly, I submit!
O come thee, I pray you
My chamber door lies rightly ajar - 9/27/06
Double Take
Not too far from shore lies a portly estate that sits in well with it's overlooking surroundings. Blue is the main color of the maison's clapboards, however, all the details have been whitewashed for distinction. Distinctly so, high in it's majesty a woman walks wearing a treaded path in the floorboards.
Aye, 'tis the "widow's walk!" Encased in fragile spindles of distinction, she paces and looks far off into the distance of the Atlantic hoping to see his approaching vessel near the craggy shore. Her brows knit and her arms cross and uncross in frustration as her shawl gently blows in the salt wind. Mark her forehead which is also caressed by the wind as the movement of her strands expose a widow's peak. Has she been doubly crossed to walk that which she is? - 9/27/06
Aye, 'tis the "widow's walk!" Encased in fragile spindles of distinction, she paces and looks far off into the distance of the Atlantic hoping to see his approaching vessel near the craggy shore. Her brows knit and her arms cross and uncross in frustration as her shawl gently blows in the salt wind. Mark her forehead which is also caressed by the wind as the movement of her strands expose a widow's peak. Has she been doubly crossed to walk that which she is? - 9/27/06
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Conclusion:
Although I did not give up on he who I sought out, he has made it quite clear that he has no interest. Oh well shit happens. I am not mad nor am I upset as this scenario was prepared for. Rejection is easy to handle if you have handled if from the best. The best would be your parent. You may think that maybe I purposefully influenced this outcome, but trust me I did not. It seems that me being me is not tolerable. Who else might I be then if not myself? That is a good one to ponder. - 9/26/06
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Confession:
I have given my heart out and fessed up to something that I had been repressing for sometime. What happens upon doing something so bold is that I risk being rejected. This is all part of life and I have learned that rejection can be dealt with based on past experience. Thus having dealt with it in the past, the re-experience of rejection opens many wounds yet, at the same time, adds metal to being. Maybe metal is not the appropriate word...call it another brick in the wall so to speak as it kind of closes me into myself. However, that is not to say that I wouldn't do it all over again as I would. It is not known at this time if rejection has occurred, however, it must be assumed to prepare myself. What is the worst thing that could happen? I will tell you...I will go off into a corner and lick my wounds until they heal and start all over again. That is the never ending battle...take a licking and keep on ticking. - 9/23/06
TWO
Miserable forsaken restrictions
Me can’st untie the tide
Nor cause the moon to wane
Tis but a part of nature
Yet unnatural structure need be modified
As do or die has not been exceeded
Aye, the crash of thunder rings in my ears
Thoughts upon a pondering
Tis not to be drowned out by silence
Albeit silence loud, thought engulfs
Making it dead
Forlorn smoke billows
Amidst great city stacks
Seeking a refuge upon the sky
Grand pillows of white lie open
Gathering and multiplying
Forming one
Oh boldness
My will to continue shall not go undone - 9/23/06
Me can’st untie the tide
Nor cause the moon to wane
Tis but a part of nature
Yet unnatural structure need be modified
As do or die has not been exceeded
Aye, the crash of thunder rings in my ears
Thoughts upon a pondering
Tis not to be drowned out by silence
Albeit silence loud, thought engulfs
Making it dead
Forlorn smoke billows
Amidst great city stacks
Seeking a refuge upon the sky
Grand pillows of white lie open
Gathering and multiplying
Forming one
Oh boldness
My will to continue shall not go undone - 9/23/06
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
CONVERSATIONS BETWEEN MY EXPERIMENT AND SELF.
I CALL THIS “NEEDY” CONVERSATIONS.
You may notice that I am not very nice to him (cold as a witch’s left tit) and at the end I deny him and he buckles at my bark. Too bad you couldn’t have borrowed John’s ears when he heard him whining on the phone (multiple times). That man was so insecure he thought that I was fucking that kid as he sure wasn’t getting another piece of me. John laughed at him as he heard everything that Randy was saying and Randy heard John laugh as I had him on speaker phone to further humiliate him. I am so bad when I am bad. Me thinks that it irked him that I told him I manipulated him and how. Perhaps that is why he wanted his victory.
A gold digger would take this sucker for a buggy ride. He THOUGHT he could buy me as he has money and was willing to take care of me. As if I would let that happen. I insulted him, his home, and his demeanor. I told him that I would jump all over his leather couches and write on his walls in crayon. He had agreed so long as he didn’t have to watch. LMFAO. See what happens when I don’t love someone? This kind of shit went on for three months before he buggered off. I would not see him much less fuck him again. Perhaps you will grasp the concept of poser. Note that I had interviewed (but not even so much as smooched their lips) several doms/masters for information purposes to see how they tick. They really don’t. They usually have multiple subs as they are superficial people and to them it is PLAYING. I don’t play which is the difference. The one thing I did get from them including Randy boy here was RESPECT. You will note within the dialogue that I DO NOT LOVE HIM and that I CANNOT even JUST sleep with him. I laid it out...NO SPARK.
Arachne - Watching You Tube says (9:06 PM):are you eating green cheese or something?
Randy: how have you been?
Arachne: I am watching this...http://bethe.cornell.edu/video1_large.html
Arachne: how is your ear?
Randy: I need a hug
Arachne: HUG
Arachne: there you go
Randy: not so good
Arachne: no?
Arachne: it is used in term papers.
Arachne: your fingers still work right?
Randy: call me
Arachne: you call me.
Arachne: get off your ass and call me.
Arachne: I hear the ring
You may notice that I am not very nice to him (cold as a witch’s left tit) and at the end I deny him and he buckles at my bark. Too bad you couldn’t have borrowed John’s ears when he heard him whining on the phone (multiple times). That man was so insecure he thought that I was fucking that kid as he sure wasn’t getting another piece of me. John laughed at him as he heard everything that Randy was saying and Randy heard John laugh as I had him on speaker phone to further humiliate him. I am so bad when I am bad. Me thinks that it irked him that I told him I manipulated him and how. Perhaps that is why he wanted his victory.
A gold digger would take this sucker for a buggy ride. He THOUGHT he could buy me as he has money and was willing to take care of me. As if I would let that happen. I insulted him, his home, and his demeanor. I told him that I would jump all over his leather couches and write on his walls in crayon. He had agreed so long as he didn’t have to watch. LMFAO. See what happens when I don’t love someone? This kind of shit went on for three months before he buggered off. I would not see him much less fuck him again. Perhaps you will grasp the concept of poser. Note that I had interviewed (but not even so much as smooched their lips) several doms/masters for information purposes to see how they tick. They really don’t. They usually have multiple subs as they are superficial people and to them it is PLAYING. I don’t play which is the difference. The one thing I did get from them including Randy boy here was RESPECT. You will note within the dialogue that I DO NOT LOVE HIM and that I CANNOT even JUST sleep with him. I laid it out...NO SPARK.
Randy says (9:02 PM): hey
Arachne - Watching You Tube says (9:02 PM): yoRandy says (9:03 PM): how was your day
Arachne - Watching You Tube says (9:03 PM):most excellent. how was yours?Randy says (9:03 PM):long but good
Arachne - Watching You Tube says (9:03 PM):so now you are tired?Randy says (9:03 PM): yes
Arachne - Watching You Tube says (9:03 PM):gee, how did I know.Randy says (9:04 PM):shut up
Arachne - Watching You Tube says (9:04 PM):make me.Randy says (9:04 PM):4 am to 8 pm is a long day let me
Arachne - Watching You Tube says (9:04 PM):you choose it. no. make me.Randy says (9:04 PM): ok I will
Arachne - Watching You Tube says (9:05 PM):that, my love, is the reality of it all.Arachne - Watching You Tube says (9:04 PM):realize you can't do anything that I don't allow.
Randy says (9:05 PM):I know as do you
Arachne - Watching You Tube says (9:05 PM):yuppers on that one.Randy says (9:05 PM):so what now?
Arachne - Watching You Tube says (9:05 PM):what do you mean?Arachne - Watching You Tube says (9:06 PM):are you eating green cheese or something?
Randy says (9:06 PM):If I were to arrive tomorrow afternoon would you greet me in the nude wearing only your collar?
Arachne - Watching You Tube says (9:06 PM):no. as I won't be here.Randy says (9:07 PM):too bad for us
Arachne - Watching You Tube says (9:07 PM):Oh, it was an IF question. The answer is NO.Randy says (9:07 PM):and if it was not an if ?
Arachne - Watching You Tube says (9:07 PM):It would still be no.Randy says (9:07 PM):k
Arachne - Watching You Tube says (9:08 PM):You have not come that far to pull that kind of rank.Randy says (9:08 PM):I do want to Own you
Arachne - Watching You Tube says (9:08 PM):Earn it.Randy says (9:08 PM):wear a collar when I get there tomorrow
Arachne - Watching You Tube says (9:08 PM):I won't be here. Randy says (9:09 PM):too bad for you
Arachne - Watching You Tube says (9:09 PM):Even if I were here, I wouldn't do it. Why too bad for me? I have no regret.Randy says (9:10 PM):you want to be owned and I want to Own so too bad you are not there tomorrow night is all where are you tomorrow night?
Arachne - Watching You Tube says (9:11 PM):I see. Note you should be aware of: I would need to love you for you to have that absolute and it is not even absolute power over me. Do you understand me? I will be working on my car at the factory and then walking my gf so that she loses weight.Randy says (9:12 PM):ok I understand good night princess
Arachne - Watching You Tube says (9:12 PM):goodnight dear.Randy says (9:13 PM):call me if you like
Arachne - Watching You Tube says (9:13 PM):get off your ass and call me.Randy: hi babe
Randy: you here?
Arachne: yeah Randy: how have you been?
Arachne: I am watching this...http://bethe.cornell.edu/video1_large.html
Randy: what?
Arachne: click the damn link Randy: ok
Arachne: ty Randy: quatum I love it !!
Arachne: Cool. I did send you an invite to stumble upon. you will only get sites that you have interest in. Randy: yes but I have no time
Arachne: too bad Arachne: how is your ear?
Randy: for who?
Arachne: for you. Randy: it’s still blocked but thanks for asking
Arachne: sorry to hear that Randy: I am letting my body heal itself
Randy: lol funny
Arachne: sounds good Randy: what are you doing?
Randy: tonight?
Randy: tonight?
Arachne: watching that vid. before that I was watching a dvd Along Came a Spider. Randy: ok
Arachne: you? Randy: I need a hug
Arachne: HUG
Randy: yes
Arachne: :DArachne: there you go
Randy: not so good
Arachne: no?
Randy: ty
Arachne: yw Randy: I want a hug from you a eal one
Randy: real
Arachne: why? Randy: just need your hug]
Randy: ok
Randy: may I cum over?
Arachne: well if you ask "may I cum [sic] over," I assume you know how to get here. Randy: I need some directions
Randy: Mags
Randy: what does SIC mean?
Arachne: it means that you spelled it incorrectly and as I am quoting you, I am showing that it is your spelling mistake. Arachne: it is used in term papers.
Randy: ok
Randy: want to wake up with me ?
Randy: yes or no?
Arachne: you have to find my spark. Randy: ok
Randy: we can talk about it in bed no sex
Arachne: so you have stated. Randy: yes or no?
Arachne: I can't sleep with you for reasons previously stated. I don’t love you.Randy: call me
Arachne: call you what? turkey? lol Randy: NOW
Arachne: you call me. Arachne: your fingers still work right?
Randy: call me
Arachne: you call me.
Arachne: get off your ass and call me.
Randy: bitch
Arachne: ty Arachne: I hear the ring
A LIBRA AT PHILOSOPHY
If you are capable of thinking it, you are capable of doing it!!!
A harness is for a horse.
Escape that which burdens you and fly like an eagle as all is possible in the mind.
That is what you are FREE...NOW LIVE LIFE!!!
LIVE LIFE to it FULLEST.
Rip away that which leashes you unto yourself. Let your being SOAR (imagine flames coming out of this word)!!!
Icras did not make it, but you CAN!!! No waxy wings here. (Can you see the wind beneath your wings?)
Free spirt lies in imagination...in imagery. Close your eyes and find out.
Play some loud music and dance to your heart's content (no matter if you are 5 or 75) or until your legs, heart, or head hurt, but have fun doing it. PLAY WITH THE MOMENT AS IT IS YOURS!!! The fountain of youth is in your head...let it pour!!!
Play some soft music that takes you away on a cloud and HUG YOURSELF or CRY if you have to!!!
Envision fancy commodities and GRASP them from air. Aye, this may sound like lunacy, but when was the last time you let your child out? Let it out as it is screaming for FREEDOM!!!
Read a FAIRY TALE and play a role in the story...become part of it and the journey will be an adventure to remember.
We are not predefined and limited. Our scope is only limited by what we allow. Do not allow closure as you will suffocate and die!!
Not for anything folks, but you can pick yourself up by the britches and make a go at it, whatever IT might be, RUN...
Go Now and Live Life! Enjoy that what you have!
WeeHa!
NOTE: Do not die an automaton...you are REAL! ~ Maggie 9/20/06
A harness is for a horse.
Escape that which burdens you and fly like an eagle as all is possible in the mind.
That is what you are FREE...NOW LIVE LIFE!!!
LIVE LIFE to it FULLEST.
Rip away that which leashes you unto yourself. Let your being SOAR (imagine flames coming out of this word)!!!
Icras did not make it, but you CAN!!! No waxy wings here. (Can you see the wind beneath your wings?)
Free spirt lies in imagination...in imagery. Close your eyes and find out.
Play some loud music and dance to your heart's content (no matter if you are 5 or 75) or until your legs, heart, or head hurt, but have fun doing it. PLAY WITH THE MOMENT AS IT IS YOURS!!! The fountain of youth is in your head...let it pour!!!
Play some soft music that takes you away on a cloud and HUG YOURSELF or CRY if you have to!!!
Envision fancy commodities and GRASP them from air. Aye, this may sound like lunacy, but when was the last time you let your child out? Let it out as it is screaming for FREEDOM!!!
Read a FAIRY TALE and play a role in the story...become part of it and the journey will be an adventure to remember.
We are not predefined and limited. Our scope is only limited by what we allow. Do not allow closure as you will suffocate and die!!
Not for anything folks, but you can pick yourself up by the britches and make a go at it, whatever IT might be, RUN...
Go Now and Live Life! Enjoy that what you have!
WeeHa!
NOTE: Do not die an automaton...you are REAL! ~ Maggie 9/20/06
The Danger of Comfort
No one can beat me up better than I can beat myself up
Maybe that is why I don't give a damn and I don't fear anything
Like a chain, I am only as strong as my weakest link
My weak link is memories/heart
They are what make me foolish
The armor that shields these memories was let down
And my heart was pierced by someone I do not know
Thus I have compromised myself
As a side of me that has been hidden
Has now been exposed in detail
To eyes that appeared understanding
Perhaps that was a misconception on my part
Maybe I sought understanding and found a brief moment of it
Perhaps I have let too much out that I shouldn't have
In a manner that should not have been had
Yet what has been done cannot be undone
Has a lesson been learned?
Not really
As much as coming out of my sheath hurt
There was a benefit in the sharing
In that I felt understood for but a moment
Yeah a whole fleeting moment
Perhaps that moment wasn't even real
However, the opening of my scar tissue is devastating to my being
It is easier to hide behind humor and sarcasm
Than to come forward
If only there were a hole deep enough to climb into
I would climb in and hide forever
Alas, I dwell in the dark anyway
What hell could be worse? - Arachne 9/20/06
Maybe that is why I don't give a damn and I don't fear anything
Like a chain, I am only as strong as my weakest link
My weak link is memories/heart
They are what make me foolish
The armor that shields these memories was let down
And my heart was pierced by someone I do not know
Thus I have compromised myself
As a side of me that has been hidden
Has now been exposed in detail
To eyes that appeared understanding
Perhaps that was a misconception on my part
Maybe I sought understanding and found a brief moment of it
Perhaps I have let too much out that I shouldn't have
In a manner that should not have been had
Yet what has been done cannot be undone
Has a lesson been learned?
Not really
As much as coming out of my sheath hurt
There was a benefit in the sharing
In that I felt understood for but a moment
Yeah a whole fleeting moment
Perhaps that moment wasn't even real
However, the opening of my scar tissue is devastating to my being
It is easier to hide behind humor and sarcasm
Than to come forward
If only there were a hole deep enough to climb into
I would climb in and hide forever
Alas, I dwell in the dark anyway
What hell could be worse? - Arachne 9/20/06
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Encryption
As I do like to ponder and often wonder...
Am I being deceived?
Can one be of two faces twice twined betwixt and between?
Is it a sad fallacy that has not quite gone unnoticed?
Not quite caught off guard but guarded?
Do I really comprehend the data?
The eyes pick up on certain aspects which in turn tell the brain...THINK
Can duality exist in one
Not exactly from opposite spectrums
More so at face? - 9/17/06
Am I being deceived?
Can one be of two faces twice twined betwixt and between?
Is it a sad fallacy that has not quite gone unnoticed?
Not quite caught off guard but guarded?
Do I really comprehend the data?
The eyes pick up on certain aspects which in turn tell the brain...THINK
Can duality exist in one
Not exactly from opposite spectrums
More so at face? - 9/17/06
Friday, September 1, 2006
Allegiance
To what do we owe our allegiance? God, man, country? What purpose does it serve? Does it serve us in the process or does it take away from us in the end?
I owe allegiance unto myself
I have no country and
I bow before no god nor man
Unless it be a man of my choosing
Therefore, will he be my god?
No he will not be my god as man is fallible
Yet he will be revered as a god
In turn, I expect to be revered as well
In thus doing, am I true unto myself?
Has my allegiance been maintained?
I believe so
Allegiance to self means that you bear full and absolute responsibility for your actions or lack thereof and you do not place the blame/credit on others - 9/1/06
I owe allegiance unto myself
I have no country and
I bow before no god nor man
Unless it be a man of my choosing
Therefore, will he be my god?
No he will not be my god as man is fallible
Yet he will be revered as a god
In turn, I expect to be revered as well
In thus doing, am I true unto myself?
Has my allegiance been maintained?
I believe so
Allegiance to self means that you bear full and absolute responsibility for your actions or lack thereof and you do not place the blame/credit on others - 9/1/06
Sunday, August 27, 2006
The Beaten Children
REAL LIFE PLAYERS: Me & my brother, Jonie (I do not remember her mother's name.), David, Robert, Greta, Michelle (brothers & sisters) - Mother = Dolores, Darlene (cousin to the above) RIP Darlene - Mother = Joanne (sister to Dolores), Howard & Regina (brother and sister) - Mother = Helen
In silent recesses, I look back
Much of what I thought to be reality
And the horrors experienced during childhood
Have been confirmed
These were not things I made up
But through the eyes of a seven year-old
What is clarity?
Can one really remember the experience?
Sometimes I wonder if it was a nightmare as
Child abuse is unsettling
Yet it gives me peace knowing the gun was not pointed at me
The chains, belts, threats of murder, and repeated beatings
Look narrow in comparison
As she was not my mother
Only now have I been made aware of her illness
The woman at whose hands showed no mercy
Hated children
Why was she allowed to take in so many?
Why did one (Darlene) die at age two? (Actually, she was murdered by her mother and her mother's boyfriend.)
Perhaps she was spared
It is we the survivors who bear the inner scars
It is we who cannot explain to those who have not known
That which lies within and causes fear - 8/27/06
In silent recesses, I look back
Much of what I thought to be reality
And the horrors experienced during childhood
Have been confirmed
These were not things I made up
But through the eyes of a seven year-old
What is clarity?
Can one really remember the experience?
Sometimes I wonder if it was a nightmare as
Child abuse is unsettling
Yet it gives me peace knowing the gun was not pointed at me
The chains, belts, threats of murder, and repeated beatings
Look narrow in comparison
As she was not my mother
Only now have I been made aware of her illness
The woman at whose hands showed no mercy
Hated children
Why was she allowed to take in so many?
Why did one (Darlene) die at age two? (Actually, she was murdered by her mother and her mother's boyfriend.)
Perhaps she was spared
It is we the survivors who bear the inner scars
It is we who cannot explain to those who have not known
That which lies within and causes fear - 8/27/06
The Perverse Poet
What madness instills itself within my mind
Posing threats to my very existence
Biting off sanity for lesser consequence
Thought wields a baton like a ceremonial majorette
Never ceasing it's march in down-trodden rhythm
It's loud stomping feet drown echoes
Of silence disturbed as unguarded
Willows weep and faceless flowers bow
Never again to seek the sun
Escaping...
Hatchways close and lock
Although the turning of the keys are visible
The visibility of hand escapes me
Corridors are excessive and confusing
Paths are continuous and forked
Tis not a bridle path, but more so a thorned row
Riddled with inescapable lash and backlash
Scarring and impregnating with brine pricks
Inflicting greater pain to soft tissue marred
Although squamous torn
In its depth it festers and oozes life - 8/27/06
Posing threats to my very existence
Biting off sanity for lesser consequence
Thought wields a baton like a ceremonial majorette
Never ceasing it's march in down-trodden rhythm
It's loud stomping feet drown echoes
Of silence disturbed as unguarded
Willows weep and faceless flowers bow
Never again to seek the sun
Escaping...
Hatchways close and lock
Although the turning of the keys are visible
The visibility of hand escapes me
Corridors are excessive and confusing
Paths are continuous and forked
Tis not a bridle path, but more so a thorned row
Riddled with inescapable lash and backlash
Scarring and impregnating with brine pricks
Inflicting greater pain to soft tissue marred
Although squamous torn
In its depth it festers and oozes life - 8/27/06
Hollow
Defined sadness dwells within and upon me
Like an anchor whose weight cannot be proportioned
To create a fine balance
Frustration and unfulfilled dreams
Leave me weary as I feel incapable of success
Not knowing that which I need to know
Drains me
And I am hollow
Maddening nature flee from me and rid me of my heart
Face burned by lava like tears etching stains
That cannot be removed
Nay the erosion cannot be seen by thee
Nor shall I allow that specter visibility
Attempts will be made to keep that which crashes like waves
Upon the barren shores
In a storm unlike no other
Contained within and not seeking refuge
Self-contempt lies at failure
As I do not see realization
My spirit dies in the hollow depths
Of my self-created hell - 8/27/06
Like an anchor whose weight cannot be proportioned
To create a fine balance
Frustration and unfulfilled dreams
Leave me weary as I feel incapable of success
Not knowing that which I need to know
Drains me
And I am hollow
Maddening nature flee from me and rid me of my heart
Face burned by lava like tears etching stains
That cannot be removed
Nay the erosion cannot be seen by thee
Nor shall I allow that specter visibility
Attempts will be made to keep that which crashes like waves
Upon the barren shores
In a storm unlike no other
Contained within and not seeking refuge
Self-contempt lies at failure
As I do not see realization
My spirit dies in the hollow depths
Of my self-created hell - 8/27/06
Friday, August 18, 2006
Complexity
Fire is something that burns
Being one of the four elements, fire possesses great power
It can be cleansing in that it creates new growth such as land sees after a volcano's eruption or
After a forest fire
However, the burning of desire for one stunts the growth for that of others
This is not seen as a bad thing
Yet what is it that puts this fire to rest? AND
Does it actually ever get put to rest?
Does one want it put to rest?
It is after all a driving force
Passion is a strong emotion
An emotion that defies quantitive measurement
Therefore, how does one express that which there are no words for?
Maybe some things defy expression and justification because they are what they are
Components of a being are quite complex
To say that one thing is liked above all else within someone
Does not quite overlook all that is connected to them
As the component is a fraction of the whole
Acceptance is made for part and parcel
Complexity may be frustrating to sort out, but one can have a blast trying
And yet never figure it out at all
It sounds like that is what can keep something very interesting
Ah the wonderful and never ending exploration of an individual and their vastness of mind
Arachne - 8/18/06
Being one of the four elements, fire possesses great power
It can be cleansing in that it creates new growth such as land sees after a volcano's eruption or
After a forest fire
However, the burning of desire for one stunts the growth for that of others
This is not seen as a bad thing
Yet what is it that puts this fire to rest? AND
Does it actually ever get put to rest?
Does one want it put to rest?
It is after all a driving force
Passion is a strong emotion
An emotion that defies quantitive measurement
Therefore, how does one express that which there are no words for?
Maybe some things defy expression and justification because they are what they are
Components of a being are quite complex
To say that one thing is liked above all else within someone
Does not quite overlook all that is connected to them
As the component is a fraction of the whole
Acceptance is made for part and parcel
Complexity may be frustrating to sort out, but one can have a blast trying
And yet never figure it out at all
It sounds like that is what can keep something very interesting
Ah the wonderful and never ending exploration of an individual and their vastness of mind
Arachne - 8/18/06
Monday, August 7, 2006
The Value of Human Life
How meaningful is our lives? What impact have we made and if an impact was made, who was affected by it? How many were affected by it? Can they be named? If we were to disappear off the plant, would we be missed and for how long? Can it be said that we have left something of ourselves behind? If so, what might that be? Would it be tangible or intangible? What is the value of human life? Who places the value on that life and what are its ceilings and floors? How would things differ if we had never been born? "It's A Wonderful Life" starring Jimmy Stewart gave us an example of a man who helped others and made a difference even though he did not view them as major works. How do our lives fair up in comparison? What have we done? What have we yet to do?
This is just a reflection of thought on what it will be like when we leave this world or what it would be like had we never been born. Who has taken a personal inventory here? If so what can you tell me? - August 7, 2006
This is just a reflection of thought on what it will be like when we leave this world or what it would be like had we never been born. Who has taken a personal inventory here? If so what can you tell me? - August 7, 2006
Sunday, August 6, 2006
Exploration of Skin
Lying on my side, I am in a dream
Yet his hands are felt as they touch my skin
Starting from my legs, he works his way upward
Although my mind is in a dream,
The touch is breaking trough and awakening me
Distantly, I hear moans escape from my throat
The longing for more is excessive
The need to be touched in secret places is greater
His strong hands has reach my hip and he rubs it sweetly
Slowly, his hands creep towards my tummy
The rubbing of my lower tummy
Causes me to roll onto my back
Allowing for greater exploration
Although totally conscious,
My eyes are closed and I await further exploration ~ 8/6/06
Yet his hands are felt as they touch my skin
Starting from my legs, he works his way upward
Although my mind is in a dream,
The touch is breaking trough and awakening me
Distantly, I hear moans escape from my throat
The longing for more is excessive
The need to be touched in secret places is greater
His strong hands has reach my hip and he rubs it sweetly
Slowly, his hands creep towards my tummy
The rubbing of my lower tummy
Causes me to roll onto my back
Allowing for greater exploration
Although totally conscious,
My eyes are closed and I await further exploration ~ 8/6/06
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Reflections:
Much to her dislike, she sits and stares off into the mirror looking past her own reflection as vanity does not become her. Had she bothered to view herself, she would have faced the frown lines made possible by timeless worry and the lines near her mouth indicating that she has smiled on more than one occasion. What is it then that she does not want to see? Is there something about her being that she does not like? She seems quite comfortable in her shell as she has worn it well.
Has her beauty been drained dry the harsh winds, intense heat, dirt of the day, and acid rain? The four elements of life have attacked and this bothers her not as it has made her a better person: a person she can live with. What bothers her most is that people read books from the outside first and then decide based on it’s cover if it is worth exploring. This is what she searches for past her reflection. She hopes that others will search past it as well. Call this an experiment to see if the superficial can be warded off and discarded like old clothes. The reality is that there is a possibility that she will be discarded like the rags of a beggar made rich. - 7/27/06
On men’s faces, character is added: on women’s faces it is a fading beauty.
Has her beauty been drained dry the harsh winds, intense heat, dirt of the day, and acid rain? The four elements of life have attacked and this bothers her not as it has made her a better person: a person she can live with. What bothers her most is that people read books from the outside first and then decide based on it’s cover if it is worth exploring. This is what she searches for past her reflection. She hopes that others will search past it as well. Call this an experiment to see if the superficial can be warded off and discarded like old clothes. The reality is that there is a possibility that she will be discarded like the rags of a beggar made rich. - 7/27/06
On men’s faces, character is added: on women’s faces it is a fading beauty.
Monday, July 24, 2006
YOUR PORTRAIT
I stare into your portrait and wonder
A million thoughts
Engulfed with many visions
Real and surreal
Do you really exist?
Or does my mind play tricks on me?
Is reality subjective or objective?
Although I search deeply
The color of your eyes escape me
It is not so much that thoughts are fleeting,
So much as it has not come to clarity
Lips sweetly together
Looking to be kissed gently
Perhaps kiss back roughly
As I think about your voice
And it’s soothing sound
I am captured without a fight - 7/24/06
A million thoughts
Engulfed with many visions
Real and surreal
Do you really exist?
Or does my mind play tricks on me?
Is reality subjective or objective?
Although I search deeply
The color of your eyes escape me
It is not so much that thoughts are fleeting,
So much as it has not come to clarity
Lips sweetly together
Looking to be kissed gently
Perhaps kiss back roughly
As I think about your voice
And it’s soothing sound
I am captured without a fight - 7/24/06
Friday, July 21, 2006
Possibilities:
Desire is that which drives us to do great things. For this reason, I will go to any length to achieve my goal(s). A goal was within reach on three occasions, and on three occasions, I reacted rather than acted. Thus, I wonder what would have happened upon action? As I cannot turn back the hands of time, I know that my next move is to ACT. This is being worked on at the moment and as soon as possible, I will be doing exactly what my little heart desires. I will turn intent in to action.
It seems that I am in a bizarre situation, but also one that seems to be reminiscent of a great past love. It is reminiscent in the fact that I did not give up on him despite many issues. One issue that drove me away from my past love for good was his heroin use. I am not saying that a LOVE presently exists, however, an interest does lie and that interest is being greatly driven by a desire to KNOW.
Every negative possibility is looked at and then turned into a positive possibility. When I adjust myself accordingly, I can twist anything into being so. Look at yourselves. Have you meet people from Myspace and has it ALWAYS turned out good? Some will say yes, no, and yes and no. Those that say no, I say to you...LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE LEARNED from the experience. Knowledge gained at any level should be relished and appreciated as it adds to your being. Strength is built from the ground up. When you feel you are at your weakest point, you are actually at your strongest. How so? SURVIVAL! Your base instinct (or primal instinct) is to survive. As a result, you fight upon your weakness even if you are not aware of yourself doing so. If you are still here, you have survived that which has brought you down. Did it not add metal to your armor and make you stronger?
The adventure that I intend to make, come hell or high water, will serve two purposes.
1) My curiosity will be quenched at long last.
2) I will see if greater interest lies there.
As two people are involved, this is a two way street with two different sets of standards/values. What may be a standard/value to one, my not be a standard/value to the other. This pretty much goes for any relationship be it family, friend, or love.
With family and friends, physical attraction does not really come into play. It does come into play more so with love. As far as I am concerned, the mind is far more attractive than superficiality. Superficiality is just that...superficial. What happens then when the surface fades, what content of the package is now desirable? We all know that with age, accident(s), or illness(es) things do deteriorate and/or change. Therefore, when choosing a mate, is it not best to seek that which will still be available once the superficiality is morphed/changed? Isn’t depth better, i.e, contents?
Two people face possible acceptance/rejection. With acceptance on any level, there is harmony. Rejection is a bit different. How the rejection is handled is where negative possibilities can turn into positive possibilities. As common ground exists, there is a base to start with. The way I am viewing this, he will only be rejected if he is disrespectful. That is my standard/value.
As I cannot speak for him, I do not know what it is that will guide his evaluation of me. In the event I am rejected, for whatever reason, I have vowed to chalk it up to experience and have a good laugh...preferably with him. Also, I will have had the opportunity to travel and know another human being. Hey, maybe a long lasting friendship can evolve if nothing more. Those are the positive possibilities. Not too bad huh?
Again, as I can only speak for myself, anger and/or ill feelings will not exist. He is entitled to his own feelings and I will not force him to feel for me what he does not. This has to be a natural occurrence or it is doomed to failure.
When you go off on an adventure without expectations, you cannot be disappointed. - 7/21/06
It seems that I am in a bizarre situation, but also one that seems to be reminiscent of a great past love. It is reminiscent in the fact that I did not give up on him despite many issues. One issue that drove me away from my past love for good was his heroin use. I am not saying that a LOVE presently exists, however, an interest does lie and that interest is being greatly driven by a desire to KNOW.
Every negative possibility is looked at and then turned into a positive possibility. When I adjust myself accordingly, I can twist anything into being so. Look at yourselves. Have you meet people from Myspace and has it ALWAYS turned out good? Some will say yes, no, and yes and no. Those that say no, I say to you...LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE LEARNED from the experience. Knowledge gained at any level should be relished and appreciated as it adds to your being. Strength is built from the ground up. When you feel you are at your weakest point, you are actually at your strongest. How so? SURVIVAL! Your base instinct (or primal instinct) is to survive. As a result, you fight upon your weakness even if you are not aware of yourself doing so. If you are still here, you have survived that which has brought you down. Did it not add metal to your armor and make you stronger?
The adventure that I intend to make, come hell or high water, will serve two purposes.
1) My curiosity will be quenched at long last.
2) I will see if greater interest lies there.
As two people are involved, this is a two way street with two different sets of standards/values. What may be a standard/value to one, my not be a standard/value to the other. This pretty much goes for any relationship be it family, friend, or love.
With family and friends, physical attraction does not really come into play. It does come into play more so with love. As far as I am concerned, the mind is far more attractive than superficiality. Superficiality is just that...superficial. What happens then when the surface fades, what content of the package is now desirable? We all know that with age, accident(s), or illness(es) things do deteriorate and/or change. Therefore, when choosing a mate, is it not best to seek that which will still be available once the superficiality is morphed/changed? Isn’t depth better, i.e, contents?
Two people face possible acceptance/rejection. With acceptance on any level, there is harmony. Rejection is a bit different. How the rejection is handled is where negative possibilities can turn into positive possibilities. As common ground exists, there is a base to start with. The way I am viewing this, he will only be rejected if he is disrespectful. That is my standard/value.
As I cannot speak for him, I do not know what it is that will guide his evaluation of me. In the event I am rejected, for whatever reason, I have vowed to chalk it up to experience and have a good laugh...preferably with him. Also, I will have had the opportunity to travel and know another human being. Hey, maybe a long lasting friendship can evolve if nothing more. Those are the positive possibilities. Not too bad huh?
Again, as I can only speak for myself, anger and/or ill feelings will not exist. He is entitled to his own feelings and I will not force him to feel for me what he does not. This has to be a natural occurrence or it is doomed to failure.
When you go off on an adventure without expectations, you cannot be disappointed. - 7/21/06
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Creaming My Jeans
Being horny is an abundant feeling of mine which has no boundaries or time limitations. However, self-satisfaction is getting old and this energizer bunny is damn tired of it. That being the case, I am actively seeking a mate drawing upon my utmost resources and using my ferocious nature. I will get my justice and my satisfaction one way or the other. That being said, WOE to HE who lays with me!!! His job will not be part-time nor seasonal. It is a full-time position which requires a great deal of attention and commitment. Please feel free to see the requirements noted on Myspace. Applications are now being accepted, however, the personnel office is temporarily closed (due to maintenance). Please see the receptionist.
I may be an old bitch, but I have lots of life left in me! ~ 7/20/06
I may be an old bitch, but I have lots of life left in me! ~ 7/20/06
Tuesday, July 4, 2006
A Shadow of Man
Amidst the midday a shadow is not cast
Yet lo, like the hand of a sundial, we do reflect the time
Our time
Askew at the first hour
And more so on the fourth
All is but a shadow
However, this shadow does bear semblance to its originator
Be they wide or narrow
Short or tall
One cannot tell one from the other
Lest they stand side by side
Then who is to judge the accuracy
Of that which is cast? - 7/4/06
Yet lo, like the hand of a sundial, we do reflect the time
Our time
Askew at the first hour
And more so on the fourth
All is but a shadow
However, this shadow does bear semblance to its originator
Be they wide or narrow
Short or tall
One cannot tell one from the other
Lest they stand side by side
Then who is to judge the accuracy
Of that which is cast? - 7/4/06
Saturday, July 1, 2006
An Ill request
Tis of a crooked night to save or borrow
That which means naught to sorrow
But left in destiny's hands
Ill, grave, wayward sadness
Marked upon my knitted brow
That which rhymes
Starved in pitied lights from near hearth
Spangled and withering
Left to dangle of idle husbandry
This will not find room in memory
But be spared time to wallow in gallantry
Take this dagger and lay it upon my heart
And spare me no recourse
As the cock will crow on the morrow - July 1, 2006
That which means naught to sorrow
But left in destiny's hands
Ill, grave, wayward sadness
Marked upon my knitted brow
That which rhymes
Starved in pitied lights from near hearth
Spangled and withering
Left to dangle of idle husbandry
This will not find room in memory
But be spared time to wallow in gallantry
Take this dagger and lay it upon my heart
And spare me no recourse
As the cock will crow on the morrow - July 1, 2006
SLEEPLESS EVE
SLEEPLESS EVE
Silly woman, dost thou think thou hast strength?
That which thou air is but a farce
Weak kneed is what thou art
Examine thyself and expose thyself
------------------------------------------------------
Oh heart of mine
Why dost thou long for him?
He who is so distant
Tis months now that this hath be
And the longing is worse
Aye, thou hast attempted to put him aside
Time and time again
Blocking thought at every opportunity
Yet time always brings thee back to him
Why can’st thou shake this feeling?
What draws thee?
Thou hast lost the chess match
Twas self-defeating in nature
Now my strength wanes in this ordeal
Oh magnet of my heart
Attach thyself upon him
Go swiftly
And finally become one
The coldness of my sheets requires warmth
But whilst thou settle for warmth or seek fire?
He hast captured my mind
And thus has ignited me
Passion is my fire
Nay, time hast not run out
Thou art not dead yet nor is he
You must go to him
Quench this loneliness in the fountain of hope and desire
If in calculation thou hast erred,
Tis only a fool I will be
If grounded by cautiousness,
Thou whilst make me sorrowful
Oh heart lie down and rest and my let heals take flight
There may be gladness at the end of the road - 7/1/06
Silly woman, dost thou think thou hast strength?
That which thou air is but a farce
Weak kneed is what thou art
Examine thyself and expose thyself
------------------------------------------------------
Oh heart of mine
Why dost thou long for him?
He who is so distant
Tis months now that this hath be
And the longing is worse
Aye, thou hast attempted to put him aside
Time and time again
Blocking thought at every opportunity
Yet time always brings thee back to him
Why can’st thou shake this feeling?
What draws thee?
Thou hast lost the chess match
Twas self-defeating in nature
Now my strength wanes in this ordeal
Oh magnet of my heart
Attach thyself upon him
Go swiftly
And finally become one
The coldness of my sheets requires warmth
But whilst thou settle for warmth or seek fire?
He hast captured my mind
And thus has ignited me
Passion is my fire
Nay, time hast not run out
Thou art not dead yet nor is he
You must go to him
Quench this loneliness in the fountain of hope and desire
If in calculation thou hast erred,
Tis only a fool I will be
If grounded by cautiousness,
Thou whilst make me sorrowful
Oh heart lie down and rest and my let heals take flight
There may be gladness at the end of the road - 7/1/06
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Waking Thoughts
My thoughts upon waking:
Sometimes a dream can cause one to sit upright in bed gasping for breath. This was so this morning. Alas, what is causing my distress?
Standing alone on a cobble stone street
I stare at the black leather faces of my shoes
And view their void eyes save for laces
My skirts have not hidden these
What hides beneath cloak, cloth, and skin
Is an essence too strong to jar
Be it capture or shock
Tis weak to my knowing
Yet not so to the unassuming
Who goes there!
Whose eyes have glanced here?
Hark! the break of silent darkness!
In the distance, my ride can be heard
Clickety clack goes the hoofs of the black drawn carriage
All is illuminated by the waxing moon
Sight of shining wetness of a rain gone by
Is reflective and drawing
A puddle does make for a good looking-glass
Yet the subject is unwilling to see her portrait
But see it she does
Where is the horseman? - June 29, 2006
Sometimes a dream can cause one to sit upright in bed gasping for breath. This was so this morning. Alas, what is causing my distress?
Standing alone on a cobble stone street
I stare at the black leather faces of my shoes
And view their void eyes save for laces
My skirts have not hidden these
What hides beneath cloak, cloth, and skin
Is an essence too strong to jar
Be it capture or shock
Tis weak to my knowing
Yet not so to the unassuming
Who goes there!
Whose eyes have glanced here?
Hark! the break of silent darkness!
In the distance, my ride can be heard
Clickety clack goes the hoofs of the black drawn carriage
All is illuminated by the waxing moon
Sight of shining wetness of a rain gone by
Is reflective and drawing
A puddle does make for a good looking-glass
Yet the subject is unwilling to see her portrait
But see it she does
Where is the horseman? - June 29, 2006
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