Last night I let loose and discussed Sadie with Nathan. He asked me to tell him about her and not too many ask as not too many know the situation. I admire the man for wanting to really get to know me for me and to explore how I came to be what I am. Reliving the time frame hurt and I did cry. I don't hate Sadie for abusing me nor do I hate my mother for her refusal to acknowledge the fact. All I want from mom is for her to accept me for who I am. She dislikes me because I am not who she wanted me to be. Her actions used to get to me and I had attempted suicide a few times starting at 13 until not all that long ago. However, I will not go down that road with her again. I am me and I will always be me until I die. When she is dead and gone, I will still be me as I can never be HER. Although, I had sought her love and approval when I was younger, much younger, that stopped when I was around nine (9) years old as I realized that approval would never come. So far, I am right. ~ Arachne 3/3/07 ~ Penned at 11:00 a.m.
* No wonder I never used to smile. Actually, smiling and laughter are something new and delightful to me.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Was listening to 99.9 THE BUZZ ~ Burlington, VT
Sadie, Rats, and Motels
Despite all the crap that I have lived through, I am thankful for every moment of it as it made me who and what I am. Had life been easy and viewed through rose colored glasses, I may have turned out different. Gee, I could have been a pansy posy...blind to reality and unaware of back doors, side entrances, and the sneak approach.
Being a lowlife had its benefits and downfalls, yet if I had to do it all over gain, I wouldn't change a thing. Hell was okay and thought me well.
To be honest, it felt good to go live with Sadie as an adult and to face her head on as I could protect myself. However, that old bat carried a loaded Saturday Night Special in her purse. She showed me on a few occasions and I would assume that was her way of intimidating me. Guess what? It didn't work. Actually, while I was in South Carolina, her friend shot and killed a man. Sure I chose to live with my abuser rather than stay with my mom as that was the more logical choice.
Much of what I could deal with most people would skeeve. How many women could kill rats without a real weapon? I used to smother them in the glue rat traps. Hence the name Rat Girl is appropriate.
The last critter that I killed was about as big as my cat. A loud screech came from my bedroom which I thought was the cat clawing the window. When I got up to go check out my room, out ran this big black sewer rat with the cat not far behind it.
As rats like to run against the walls rather than out in the open, I had strategically placed the traps all over the place as I was infested. Unfortunately, Kat Kat did not kill the critter and she left the kitchen to go chill in the livingroom. Lazy cat. When I went to check the traps, there was nothing there the first few times. However, another check revealed that big bastard stuck in the trap trying to pull himself out of the glue. Kat Kat had poked out one of its beady black eyes and it did not look too happy. I took my broom and was trying to push it's head into the glue when the shit bit the broom handle and wouldn't let go. Holding the broom handle with the rat at the end, I grabbed the mop handle and tried to push its head under again...just the snout. You know? That little prick was not going down easy. I had to get another trap and drop it on top of this moving biting critter to make a rat trap sandwich out of him. I smothered and disposed of the bastard. RAT - 0...ME - 1. Got big sewer rats? Call Arachne. LOL
Of all the rats that I had to tangle with, only one got away and he left much of his fur behind.
WARNING: Do not try this at home unless you have big gonads as rats will attack you when cornered.
Bed bugs, roaches, water bugs, spiders, worms, and snakes don't bother me. Centipedes on the other hand do. I kill those suckers.
Today I was talking to my cousin and was telling her about the funny comments left about fleabag motels in Edmonton. I find it funny as I could deal with it. Hell the shitholes in Jersey that went for $25 per night were real dives and gross, but who cares. If the sheets are dirty you make them change them. Who cares about the paint on the walls, broken wall lights, dirty shower curtains, and holes in the mattress. Shit! What do you expect for $25 per night? Certainly not the amenities that the Waldorf Astoria, Hilton, or Plaza offer. Nope. You get what you pay for. Besides, the people there are probably more colorful. No matter what dive I choose, I am sure that it will be an adventure. Oh yeah... ~ Arachne ~ 3/5/07 ~ Penned prior to 3:00 p.m.
Was listening to 99.9 The Buzz ~ Burlington, VT
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