Did you ever just feel like crap because... It is like beating yourself up or beating your head against the wall and not even making a dent in your head. It is not that I can't change certain aspects of the way I think because I can as it has been done before: it is called adjustment. Usually, if something causes me pain, I put it to the back of my mind and keep it there for future reference. You would think that I would want to get rid of it. Nah. Some pains are not worth parting with.
This feeling of pain has been buried before yet it always rises to the surface with or without my doing. That is what I find fascinating about memory. I can remove all or most of what is associated to the cause of my self-created grief, yet I can't erase what my mind holds. Reprogramming can be done so that I can look at things in a different light and gain strength or knowledge from an event while at the same time that event will pull triggers of yet earlier events and help me in later events. It is called experience and it is wonderful. Therefore, in the long run, I am back at square one with the original pain only this time I am better armed, but still open to hurt.
Sometimes I wish I were I heartless bitch who did not could care less for others, but that is not me. It would be a safe way to live, but safe sucks when you think about it. Risks are what make life worth living and if risks involve repeated pain, then so be it. Please realize that I am not referring to repeating the same mistakes over and over again as that is totally foolish. What I am trying to say is that no matter what choices you or I make in life, there will be ups and downs and sometimes the downs will hurt, however, it will make the ups so much more appreciated and valuable. Hell, I sometimes look back at what hurt me and smile as the experience was so worth having.
Maybe the reader will think that I am mental case in writing this, however, I don't care. This is me so take it or leave it. I don't really give a rat's ass one way or the other as these are my feelings. ~ 11/29/06 @ 1:16 p.m.
Post Script: With any luck, I will get Alzheimer's. ~ 1:40 p.m.
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