Whaa I am in thinking mode and I want to pull my hair out by the roots! It is just another day of feeling like shit. Yeah okay I have put myself in this situation, but would I have it any other way? NO. You may ask why do I do this to myself? Feelings at any level, whether it is pain or pleasure, is a feeling had. Sometimes what feels like pleasure for one second, makes you feel like shit for years after and therefore it is a pain. I am trying to figure out if pain and pleasure are one and the same.
So I don’t sound too off the wall I will try to explain this. When you love someone (it doesn’t matter who it is in your life), even if it is briefly (briefly could even be 20 years in the course of a lifetime), that love stays with you regardless of what they do to/for you. The absence of that individual for whatever time between the end of the relationship (due to parting of ways or death) and the end of your life is a hell of a long time.
This may sound like I am dwelling in the past, however, the past is a connection to the present and the future and does not only apply in a love situation.
Now think on this: What hurts more...physical or emotional pain? Not for anything, but I would rather take a beating. Black eyes, broken bones, cracked head, and many other things are not so bad in comparison. After reading this over, I realize that they can tie into each other because I would have to look at who is causing the pain and why.
If the person is a stranger who punches your face, you see black and lash out at them with everything you have built up inside you with a massive fury. The impact of the punch that they have given you does not really hurt. It is almost like you want them to give you an excuse to vent. Then again if a person you love hits you, you may or may not lash back. If you do lash back, it would be mild in comparison. Pain does not even have to be delivered by blows as it can come from words that cause scars and internal damage. Boy could I chase my tail on this one. When I start to think about it, it is all fucked up!
There is negative and positive attention. As a kid, I sought attention from my parent in any way that I could get it. While in the custody of a care giver, I did not seek attention at all, but I did receive negative and destructive attention. In conjunction with the negative and positive attention I got from my parent, I started to tune out and stray out into oblivion to deaden all feeling or find a hole in the ground. In the end, even though I found what I believe to be myself after recovering my feelings and trying to deal with them, myself and my feelings turned out to be what a mishmash. At least I did not succeed to the hole in the ground even though it was sought a few times. Coming to terms with myself was not an overnight process as it is still a work in progress. Hell, I may never find out who and what I am, but I won’t give up my evolution regardless of the bumps and bruises that occur along the way. At this point, I allow myself to feel, but at the same time, I realize that I can turn it all inward and disappear. ~ 11/4/06 @ 10:36 a.m.
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