Hearing the sadness in his voice cut through my heart to my inner core. My tears were held back until we bid each other goodnight. Silently, I let the tears roll as I did not want to howl out the sadness within myself for my company to hear. The sound is like that of a wounded animal. The control that I had to issue over myself was necessary, however, that control is lost right now as I am alone at work. When needed, I turn on the happy face and pretend that all is "ducky." Unfortunately, my voice is a dead giveaway...it is hushed....soft...broken.
Tonight Peter "Pappy" is coming to diner. He, John, and I will eat and hang. However, I think that I will not be good company. C'est la vie. I almost dread hanging this evening as I really would rather be alone to openly wail...to howl out my hurt in unspoken words...to howl out my hurt in spoken words...to let out what I now hold inside....~ Arachne ~ Penned prior to 3:00 p.m. on September 18, 2007.
Pappy heard it in my voice when he called to say he got pulled over. He knew that I was not myself, but I waited until he got here to tell him what was up. I have to give the man credit for being considerate enough to call considering his situation. What a guy! As I thought and told him over the phone, he was given a stiff fine and let go. He made it to diner after all. This evening's diner was angel hair pasta in a dill cream sauce. Pappy, being the ever lively type did manage to make me laugh out loud, but still a far cry from my normal self. He is a great friend. I did tell John that Pappy does not talk he yells. Tonight he was not as loud and John thought him to be loud. When we head to Pappy's this week, John will hear LOUD! :-)
Well, my aunt called right after diner and she is coming in from Long Island on the 28th so I will have two house guests. While on the phone, the guys blabbed and my ears could not pick up on the conversation. Pish. Neither would tell me what they discussed. Ah, I don't twist arms.
Called Gracie just to say I LOVE and MISS YOU! We talked for a bit and I heard it in her voice as she heard it in mine...I LOVE YOU. She told me of the friend album she has and that I am the only one in it. When I said to her "you have other friends" she said she "chucked them long ago" as they weren't real. Lisa (her daughter) told me that I was her only real friend. She told me this on more than one occasion. Shit, friends till the end even if stabbed slightly in the back, I can look the other way for the greater good.
My heart is pretty big and open. Right now, regardless of all the friends and all the love, I still hurt. The mask fades slowly away and the tears of a clown come running down if not seen then heard in the hush of my voice... ~ Arachne ~ 9/18/07 @ 8:31 p.m.
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