Suicide~

Tonight I was sitting here thinking about all the times I tried committing suicide only to realize that it was a lesson for me somewhere in my noise.  How can you know you what you really are until you have gone down such a dark passageway on numerous occasions?  There was this one time were I woke up in the cardiac unit because my heart had flipped out from an overdose.  Having been unconscious for two days, I didn’t know too much when I came round except that I was connected to machines and was issued 24 hour nurse guards as I was a risk.  There were two nurses who watched over me, but it was one that told me how to get out of the hospital.  Tell them what they want to hear, she said.  I did and I was able to leave once my heart was going good.  Four days is all that I was there.  Another time, I was handcuffed to a hospital bed by a cop.  In a messed up state, I asked him to please uncuff me and get me something to eat.  He did both.  They had already made me drink that nasty charcoal stuff which is enough to make you vomit. Some of these events stand out and others blur into the background, but I know I did it again and again.  I am not sure what stopped me from doing it.  Perhaps something inside woke up and said FUCK IT!  Go back to being yourself!  Well, here I sit and I am okay with me.  If I dropped dead tomorrow, I have no regrets. ~ Arachne ~ June 11, 2010 @ 9:15 EST

NOTE: If I were talking to my brother, I would wish him a happy birthday