At times I can be difficult and almost come off as some cold hearted bitch. Okay. It is not almost come off as, but do come off as a cold hearted bitch. For that I apologize. However, you know me and you know that I love you no matter how I “behave.” Not ALL my behavior is indicative of my feelings.
I have not been a good mother, but I hope you will be. I know you will be. Silly me with my thought was thinking...I hope she drags the kid up rather than raises it. You may say WTF to that too or ask what is the difference. The difference is in that the child who is dragged up will learn to fend for itself and will not depend on you. That does not mean that you will not love it and it will not love you. Again, behavior is not always reflective of feeling. I can’t tell you what is involved in raising a kid as I don’t know. Then again, I think about those that were supposedly raised and those that were dragged and if you ask me, they are all mental. Perhaps the difference that I see is the crippling or inability. The “I can’t do it myself.” No. I don’t speak of that which cannot be done due to the illness or weakness of your body. Then again, even in the weakness of body, one who is crippled, will push themselves to the limits. At this point, I do not suggest that you do that. On the contrary. Chill.
Today you said to me, that one day I will need you to help me. I will not let that day come as it is not for you to help me. It is for me to help myself and let you live your life without such an obligation. Perhaps you can understand why I do not want you to have the burden of my remains upon my death. I am not your responsibility. Let the ghouls do without the $$$ and donate me to medical science where I may do some good.
Perhaps you will question your own feelings and wonder when the time comes. Perhaps upon presentation to you, you will be like WTF? Oh, but it is mine! All mine! Yeah it will be. However, the bond will take time. You won’t know how you will feel until it happens. Perhaps you won’t feel as I did.
Consider this: What happens when you hold the strings too tight? What happens if you hold the strings too loose? What happens if you don’t hold the strings at all, but another does?
Often I wonder who you would have been had I had you to myself without interference. Often I wonder who I would have been had there been no interference. It is hard to say.
The one thing I can say, that I may not always show, is the fact that I love you.
I never made it easy for you nor did I ever behave in a loving and kind fashion. Perhaps the pictures that you shared of me sporting a Hitler mustache was very appropriate. I can’t say that I look like him, but I sure as hell acted like him when it came to academics. Let’s call Laura and she can tell me about it while you laugh out loud.
You will be fine my love and you will live long and prosper with your son. That is my wish as it is your wish. I shall not allow negative information to bust that which I believe. You too should know in your heart of hearts that you are strong and will not leave without a fight. Fight with all you have as there will be someone new in this world who will want to know you and love you despite your flaws. He will see them, but out of love, he will look past them. You too see my flaws and note them accordingly to which I more or less agree. Despite this fact, you too love me. The same will happen to you when it is your time. To your son, you will be everything. To me, you are everything. We are UNCONDITIONAL come hell or high water we belong to each other.
You, my dear, are the courageous one who risks it all for the sake of your belief. To that, nothing could be more admirable.
You will always be my baby no matter how old you get. Remember that. ~ mom ~ February 12, 2009
No comments:
Post a Comment