A Letter:

I was watching a show on The History Channel and it also spoke of global warming and the earth's destruction. There are many ways the world could be destroyed, however, if someone or something does not destroy the "COMPANY" the "COMPANY" will kill us all. Maybe microbes will still exist and maybe another life form will be established, but all life as we know it will be extinct in the name of the almighty dollar. There has to be people out there that want this stopped as bad as I do. The end may not come in our time, but we need to think of future generations. The cement age needs to be destroyed and those in charge need to fail. With things as they are, you may see another Atlantis or many new Atlantis cities under water and lost forever as bodies of land will sink below the water upon the melt down. People know of the problem, but the government and companies want to stick with money and power. The sad part is that many people feel that there is nothing they can do. This is not true. If we all chip in and do our part, we can change things. The problem is how many people will jump on the band wagon to rid ourselves of our present prison? The comfort of protection is an illusion and will show it's true colors eventually when it cannot be hidden from the public any longer. Even the stupid will wake up and realize that problems are arising with our earth that will cause our demise. How far will we let it go before we revolt and take over to start again...start anew? It is hoped that we have the ability to gather great audiences and have them join a cause that will free them from their unrecognized slavery and inevitable destruction. ~ December 27, 2006 @ 8:30 p.m. EST

Some of my notes while away:

How can piercing of a body bring about feelings of life? Tingling erections are a part of life that bring sexual pleasure without being touched as arousal comes from being and the natural art of doing. The blowing of the wind on such a wonderful occasion can cause unusual noises to spill forth and make others wonder what is going on inside the individual who is making such vocal nuances.

Pounding heart and racing thoughts...the stealing of breath like a cat from a baby.

My power does not go undaunted, yet I reserve the right to starve. Starve for that which I crave the most and hunger for in the most perverse way. Innocence lacks guile to please the curiosity. The mind forever breaking boundaries that the body holds in check. The confirmation of one's acceptance of another helps to feed the imagination and thus the spirit. I don't fit in the regular world and I feed off myself for now yet I long for the life of the living looking at the need and want factors.

Stabs in the dark and lost feelings of decay bring life. I do now realize that I do feed off others for my own perverse pleasure. However, I note that touch is not necessary as the mind has so much power that simple words cause wings of thoughts and behaviors ranging from childlike innocence to murderous cunning. My friend was so right in his assessment of me being a natural taker of energy, but this energizer bunny needs more.

Happy music - tatt on forehead - wicca star - fangs - Dragon - piercing in face - Blessed Be! Answer: I don't believe in anything but me. I am a weird magnet.

Shit is going on stranger than I can think about. Recognition is only coming afterwards, but recognition is had so I will see where it goes.

How does one maintain youth? Feed off the young!

A note to Grace:

We feed off each other more than we know. You gave me the balls to do something by being there and holding my hand in the most literal sense. You have always been my friend. I, in turn, showed you great things that opened your eyes. A true friendship has always been there. Grasp the tail of the phoenix. Born from the ashes we are anew! Black winged goddess of Osiris see the eve of Eve within the spider's dwelling. Mike was so right about me being the sick bitch behind it all.

Mortal things cease to exist, yet common ground is almost a scent. Watch a wildebeest wait upon the lioness. Watch the wildebeest put up the fight of it's life.

Fangs poison sharp pierce life alive. - Written prior to Dec. 27th, 2006 Posted on Jan. 6, 2007

The Dangerous Me - Dissociative Disorder - The Three Me

Max is dangerous, but she is one of three sides of me. Although I am now one within myself, I realize that Max on her own is a total  bad scene and is the most dangerous of my characters. Max is street smart and knows how to fight, kill, and take a beating. The other two are Maggie and Margaret. Maggie is educated, well spoken, and polite. Margaret is the beaten child who looks for love anyway she can get it and seeks approval from others. All my characters now exist in one shell and do not separate. However, their flaws and strengths still exist within me and are part of me.

Deep within my heart I know my capabilities to do harm to others and this side of my nature has always scared me as it is a part of me that is wild and furious...a side whose anger is black and killer hostile. A side of me that requires 5 men to calm me down or hold me down. Murder plots have been thought upon and dropped when the levels of anger have dropped. However, the dark side, "Max," lives within me. She/I knowing where kill zones are on a body are and knowing when to strike do not help matters of this nature. When in Max mode, I am crazy. Crazier than poor Arthur who would not hurt a soul. To say that my mind is not cunning and artful would be a lie. To say that jealousy does not exist would be a lie. However, my prudy green eyes only see black on one small level...a very tiny level that is all too important to me that could send me into a murderous rage and I would attack as many people as possible to release it. This rage can be hit in two ways: protecting a loved one (loved one includes self-preservation) and jealousy. I don't think I need to explain the protection of a loved one. Jealousy shall be explained. Most women would get crazy on higher levels, but I realize that men are just mammals who sometimes require other partners. The sexual aspect is not a reason for me to lash out at someone (partner or otherwise), however, the tender loving aspect of another woman lying in my partner's arms would send me for blood...not so much his...although he would get some lash...if she knew about me...whoa Nelly! It would be in her best interest to befriend me or suffer if I am still in the eye of the storm. I have two types of rage: Quiet and Wild. Experience has shown me that a woman would rather befriend me than go against me. Most fear my wild anger (and I have a criminal record for it - the one I was caught for), but the quiet smiling anger is more dangerous as it plots and reasons.

Wild anger can get you busted as it got me busted. The quiet anger finds logical solutions and uses manipulation methods. Need I say more about the quiet anger? I don't think so. Rule #1: Always be crazier than the crazies. Always... The amazing part of about being crazy is that supposedly a crazy person does not realize they are crazy. When a person can come to terms with themselves and see their true inner nature as I have seen my own, then they can wear the CRAZY label. Label me Mentally Deranged! All efforts will be made to keep Max in the box...letting her out in total is not a good idea. ~ Arachne ~ 12/19/06 @ 10:38 p.m.

Note: Even thinking about this rage makes me taste blood. Not good. It has come to my attention that I lack power/control over this type of anger. Current mood...I COULD DESTROY IN A HEARTBEAT!

They did not prescribe 600 mg of Seroquel to me for nothing.

To Nathan (2)...

Dreams of a soft spring night bring me to his arms
We hug and stare into each other’s starry eyes which have told many stories
Only now the glimmer seems...
I feel your lips kissing my neck and shivers run down my spine
Kisses in other regions bring deeper shivers and yet I want more
I have felt these kisses in my mind as you spoke of them
However, reality is longed for
Will you pin me down and make me struggle?
Struggle for that which I want in the first place?
Maybe you will tie and tease me and grant yourself the right of full exploration
Then again, perhaps passion will not allow time for such a game
At least not at first
The world is our playground and nothing is predefined or limited
Perhaps ritual sex in a tomb could be had
Making love in the grass on a warm night
Rough sex in a bed
Wild sex in a car
Sharing thoughts about life which end on the floor in nakedness’ delight
Toys and play...play and toys
Roles to be had and scenes to be done
Who is who?
What has been won?
Prizes that we both want and will share accordingly
In that which we have only grazed the surface with subtlety
The beautiful subtlety that leaves questions unanswered
The subtlety that makes my mind wonder
Simple words that bring me to climax
The complexity has yet to be felt by two...
Doused with butterscotch
You can be my lollipop
Gently I enjoy the concoction
While bringing you pleasure
A pleasure that is actually my greed
I want you to cum first
As I will have you longer each time afterward
Although fairly gentle in that area
The desire to bite you is there
To bite you while in the heat of the moment
While you are inside me
My nails rake your back and dig in
Not because I want to hurt you
No...more so because of the intensity which I cannot hide
I want you to bite me in various places and drive me wild
Pain and pleasure are one
Open your mind and allow me to enter
See the possibilities of what has not been totally discussed
The wonderful delights of torture on a subject most willing
I am most willing
However, I can take you in my own ways although not dom
Fear would not be had in throwing you down to go down on you
Nor to ride you while you slumber or are awake
How deep will you sleep if sleep is had?
Will you wake to a candle lit room?
Will I be in a costume geared for a game?
Perhaps you will be too tired...however, if my hunger is great
I will attempt to arouse you nonetheless
In sleep you will feel my mouth take you in
And I will feel it grow within my mouth
You can pretend to sleep, but I will watch for other signs
Is his breathing different?
Do his toes curl?
Is there a gentle moan?
Sleep can be played off, but your member will tell me otherwise
As such, full advantage will be taken of my prize and satisfaction will be had
Aye, I am a greedy woman ~ Dec. 19, 2006

Arthur’s Committal - Edited...speaking of mental...

Arthur is my girlfriend's brother who is a real sweet guy. Okay so he is a bit crazy, but show me a New Yorker who is not mental and I will show you someone who is not from New York. Anyway, while on the phone with my friend today, she tells me that her brother went to see his doctor and while there he mentioned that he wanted to kill himself, but that he did not know how to do it. Mind you, Arthur is a guy who walks around the grocery store dressed like a Ninja Turtle with a full face motorcycle helmet and he only owns a 10 speed bike.

Although the doctor knows that Arthur is a bit off, the doc let him leave his office then had second thoughts. This ass of a doctor called Arthur and told him to return to his office as he forgot to tell him something. The good soul that Arthur is, returned to the doctor's office only to be met by the police who asked if he was willing to leave without a fight. Arthur said sure and cooperatively left.

This poor guy was committed for 7 days at Coney Island Hospital and then at Gracie Square. Not for anything, but this guy would not hurt a cockroach nor would he hurt himself. The drugs that the doctors are giving him are fucking his head over...he should just be allowed to be his zany self without a doc and drug patrol. BTW, this guy does not use illegal drugs. GIVE 'EM HELL ARTHUR!!!

Save that shit...I will say it in person as I head for NYC this Thursday in the P.M. ~ Arachne 12/19/06 @ 1:40 a.m.

**Note: My daughter told me tonight that I am scary and mental so she is afraid to let me meet Mike's mom as Mike's mom is small and timid. Hell, I know how to be nice and will not scare the shit out of her as I can behave myself...until she gets to know me. My daughter had the nerve to call me mental...she was singing "It's My Dick in a Box" tonight...over and over...making me totally crackers that I beat the phone with a plastic bottle. Not for anything 20 minutes of her cat screaming as she cleaned its ears is enough to drive anyone postal. She is busted as I recorded her and when she heard herself singing, she sang along. She found it funny enough to spit up all over her computer screen. Now who is scary and mental? My daughter Miss Weezie that's who. She was scary enough to be removed from two Catholic grammar schools and really she is timid by my standards.

LIFE

No matter how bad you beat me
No matter how much you try to hurt me
No matter what damage you think you can do
I have been there before
You can kick me and curse me
You can ignore me or ridicule me
You can't do anything that has not been done before
I am still alive
Only I can kick my ass the best
Only I can really destroy me
Only I have the power over me
I have something to be thankful for

Brains splattered on the side walk of the jumper who plummeted 14 stories to his death on Remsen Street. Death's sweet smell escaped him like the breath of a rose in a gentle breeze. The smell of fresh death has a sickly sweet odor (I am not making this up.) . Actually, this body's core bears the same color of the rose in some respects as the color is red. This poor man's suit trousers were split and his shoe lied not far from his body yet he had managed to keep one on. What lied before me beckoned my morbid curiosity as I had never noticed the sweet smell of death before. I had stared at him curiously until they covered his body in a yellow tarp. I used to tell people that he was already covered so that I was not thought of as bizarre. However, I no longer care. Isn't that an interesting way to start a work day? Isn't that an interesting way to end a life.

Jumpers are not limited to buildings. Many like jumping in front of the subway during rush hour to inconvenience the riders to the point of going postal because they can't get home. This seems to occur more so in the summer when temperatures reach about 130 underground and this temperature does not take into account the humidity. Fresh air is not something to be had as what is breathed in is thick and laced with the putrid stench of urine.

It pays to have a strong stomach. Thankfully I had turned enough dead dogs over and watched enough maggots eat. You would think that maggots start on top...nah they are under the dog. Thankfully, I had seen enough fresh dead bodies from a distance (but close enough to see the blood oozing from the chest or the picking up of body parts). Thankfully, I had witnessed the attempted taking of life. Thankfully, I had my face punched enough and my body battered enough to toughen me up for this wonder we call life. ~ Arachne 12/18/06 @ 2:29 a.m.

To Nathan:

Your head lies in my lap and I listen to the words you speak. I watch you face through amazed eyes and see thoughts expressed through facial expressions and hand movement. The feeling is cozy and warm as comfort is abound and freedom reigns. We can be who we are.

I stroke your head while I listen to you and I begin to stir. Maybe it is my breathing or my movement that gets you stirring and you pull me forward to kiss you. Our mouths are open and our tongues start off slow and become more wild with each lash. This intensity is followed to the floor as we tear each others clothes off like animals.

You know that I want to be tied so you grab me and...
A struggle is given as that is more fun as I want you to work for it. I try to bite you...maybe I succeed, but I want you and you sense it. Your force is stronger than mine and that arouses me like a cat in heat.
His voice is like willows is in the wind
His spirit is childlike and wonderfully imaginative
His kindness and thoughtfulness brings a tear of joy
His respect is something that I value as it is priceless
His sharing and caring ways are unlimited
His body is artfully crafted and there is room for imagination
His rage and frustration is humorous yet a turn on
His eyes see what others do not as
His mind is open and endless
He is sweeter than the sweetest candy
The beauty of this is that I can see him in the park with me! He is Apollo and he is a god in his own right!
Hail! The sun is shining!
O, mind of fantasy lift me and take me away
Art there no end to my longing?
Bring me to the arms that I want draped around me
Bring me to the lips that I want to kiss
Allow me the warm of thy body under cold sheets
Allow me the gentle caresses and rough play that thou art capable of
Art thou there in reality?
Aye, as I have heard you stir!

Lest we tear ourselves from this dreamlike state, reality will not occur. Dost the pain of longing bear more weight? Nay to pain and aye to joy! The joy of caring and sharing as we have been doing...one more step beyond. Art thou at the edge? My fingers grip the cliff’s cuff and yet I want to free fall for the rush of it all. Let’s splatter the walls with blood and litter the floor with paper or mags. Let’s paint the walls, ceilings, and floors black and enter the constellations in every room. Lit only by candles held by skeletal hands that have long ago lost feeling. We cast enough to feel for all the bones that have yet to turn to dust. ~ Dec 15, 2006

This goes into a rant as memories were popping up...

I really disliked Fat Bobby before I met him as he was a user of people and would make them do shit for coke. As Anna was my friend and he made her do stupid shit, I did not like him. However, when I met him...he was cool. This is the guy who has my crucifixion pics somewhere in his house. I was real drunk and was stirring shit with Bobby, Eddie, and Anna which was commonplace. All of a sudden (I was told all this and the pics backed it up) I said I had to pee so I got up and stood by the fish tank and started to pull down my pants. Of course Anna did not want me to pee on the floor of her apartment so she brought me to the bathroom. When I did not return, Anna said to Bobby and Eddie I bet she is sleeping in the tub. Sure enough, when they came into the bathroom, I was crashed in the bathtub. The pulled my body out and brought me to the living room where they posed me like christ on a cross and took pics. That shit was funny. Another time, Bobby handcuffed me to the steering wheel of his car and I took offense to it and tore my flesh off just to prove that I was crazy enough to get out. Then I went after him. This guy hated this one pair of shoes that I had and stole one so that I could not wear them. On my birthday he called me and told me to go outside and lo and behold, my shoe had a balloon attached to it and was filled with candy. Under the shoe was a birthday cake. The sucker was on the block watching me get the shit. When I got into my house, he knocked on the door and said that he had another present, however, I had to be blindfolded to get it. He said you stay there until I tell you to take the blind fold off so I did what I was told and did not even take if off when I heard him leave. The telephone rang and he asked if I saw it yet and I said no. After being called stupid, I took the blindfold off and at my feet was the Metallica Box Set.

This guy really loved Sinatra and I used to rib him for it. He used to wear a hat like Sinatra and I used to smack it off his head and call him an asshole. I got a good story for that one too. When Sinatra was in town he asked me to go with him. Just to be a bitch I said sure if you buy me a dress and get a limo. He agreed, but got sick before the show and we didn't go. I ribbed him about that too. The asshole story was about a night that me, Anna, Joe, and Bobby were supposed to go to The Vault. I told Bobby you can't go in there acting like some Brooklyn asshole as these people would fuck him up. Not wanting to risk a scene with him and the people inside, we drifted off to the Village lower east side where we hit a bar on St. Marks. At this point I ran into some band members from Andrew's old band and started to hang with them. Bobby, in his frustration, started throwing peanuts at me and again I called him an asshole, so he left me there and he, Joe, and Anna took off. I hung out with this crew for awhile and started to make my way to The Scrap Bar. Who do I see holding up a wall...Chris totally stoned out and nodding. I grabbed his hand and told him that I would take care of him and that he should come with me to The Scrap. Just as I am lifting him off the wall, Andrew and his friends passed, looks were exchanged and Chris and I headed west to MacDougal. Chris was so wasted that he could not go into The Scrap so he opted to sit outside and wait for me. Every once in awhile I would go check on him and he was okay. When I was good and wasted, I scooped him up and we headed for the subway. I remember him getting off the train, but never made it. That night I was rolled for my money and my cigarettes. Thankfully, nothing else was disturbed. The train had gone into the yards and then turned around. When I got out of the train, I had no idea where I was or if I was on this planet. Although I left the train station, when I hit the street, I had no clue where I was so I jumped the turnstyle and got back on the train. Again, I got off, but was not sure where I was. How I made it home is a mystery.
This guy respected me so much that when Andrew hurt me, he wanted to get Neil to break his wrists so that he could not wipe his own ass. I did not want to have Drew hurt as what goes around comes around. Drew paid his due and proper...he is dead.

Oh, before I forget, I had untied Bobby shoes one day and he forgot to tie them, so when we got outside and I chased him into the street, he tripped over his own laces and fell on his face. The pointing and laughing was too much, but that is what friends do. Actually, I am looking for the Anna & Carlos sex tape that Bobby recorded which is funny as hell. Imagine this bitch screaming iiieeee poppy! LMAO

Carlos was treated like a dog and was not really allowed into my apartment proper as he would have to sit on the floor by the door. When he called me a self-centered bitch who only thought of herself that is when I gave him respect and we befriend as he was right and had to balls to tell me. The shock in his voice when I agreed was funny as hell.

Carl was a real dick to Anna and I placed that sucker in shit status and made sure that he took Anna back when her father died as the prick gave her the news like he was talking about the weather then kicked her out of his apartment.

I really need to fill in the blanks someday. ~ Arachne ~  12/14/06 @ 2:12 p.m.

The Phantom

A hush draws upon the speaking voices of the floor and the balcony as the lights dim and the gavel hits the auction block. The *chandelier lies upon the stage in a seemingly broken fashion and the story of love begins.

Sitting in my seat at the Majestic Theatre, I lean over the railing and I cry for the Phantom as he hides behind his mask, but his heart bears so much love. Anyone who sees beyond the mask, will see his great love hidden behind anger. ~ Arachne December 12, 2006 @ 3:12 a.m.

* In his anger, the Phantom had the chandelier crash to the stage of the opera as no one listened to him nor loved him. Only fear of him was had.

Imagine the rising of the candelabra from the floor of the stage and the dry ice fog as a boat steered by the Phantom takes Christine away. The beauty of that scene will be with me always just as the one of him crying for the woman he loved.

Listening to "Magical Lasso"

The Eating of Ice Cream

Mr. Softy's (I believe that this is a registered trademark.) ice cream truck's annoying looped music is enough to drive anyone crazy, however, it serves as an alarm that the truck is outside. You best hurry and get your money out before the truck leaves. Soft vanilla ice cream on a cone is a sweet treat on any hot summer night. If one is inclined, sprinkles can be added for a delightful taste of chocolate on the buds. Unfortunately, the heat of the night causes the delight to melt rapidly. As such, the eating of the ice cream would have to be done starting from the bottom up as the leaking cream can leave you with sticky hands, ice cream on your stoop, and ants. Therefore, every effort is made to capture the melting concoction before it is too late. My tongue licks at the base yet the sides are not forgotten. My mouth also goes over the top and I take in the length of this sweet delight and I suck up just the leaking part of the cream without taking the entire head off. The tip can be captured by the lips very easily as it is intact although dripping downward. Is there a method to the eating of this treat? You are god damned right there is! Wee ha! Just know that you will always hear the truck CUMING before it actually gets to you.

NOTE: Good Humor has bells on the truck and does not sell fresh from the machine ice cream as all their stock is frozen and 98 percent of their items are on a stick (except for an ice cream sandwich and drum stick). Hum...A red, white, and blue Ice Rocket can be fun too. Ahh yup! ~ Arachne 12/09/06 @ 5:59 a.m.

Drop A Dime

Passing this tribute along. This man was a killer guitarist who backed his band for all he was worth. When I think back to the days of having seen Pantera in concert, I remember the movement of the crowd filling Roseland during THIS LOVE. I had told Anna to watch the movement of the crowd...I said to her that the people will appear as a sea of movement until the waves crash on the shore. The mosh pit was alive and bodies where flying all over. The mini pits were mild as the guys in the real pit were getting bloodied.

This one guy who was real sweaty, had a boot print on his forehead, and looked real angry after leaving the pit. As he made his way through the crowd, they moved. I moved too to let him by. What made him grab my face and kiss me and then keep walking is beyond me.

Roseland had mirrored columns and they were taped to keep from shattering due to the impact of the crowd. That did not save all the mirrors.

On this same night, some guy from Jersey offered me a metal pick to stab people. I was like nah...thanks anyway. I must have dopey written on my forehead.

Totally different show...still Pantera and again at Roseland...Drew and I were FUCKING HOSTILE...I remember we were wasted and got to 52nd St. via motorcycle. The night was real hot and I was only wearing a black fishnet top (big holed net...no not a poser fishnet top), black mini, and black bra. It was so hot, I took the top off and stuck it in the helmet. Drew went for center pit and I went to a smaller pit. I can still feel the pain in my neck from head banging that night. As we were leaving we could still hear the fans screaming FUCKING HOSTILE in the streets and giving each other the horns. No one knew who you were, but if you were a fan, you were a friend.

At another show Jen got punched in the face. Duh??? Where was her guard? Same place mine was for On Broken Wings. Dimebag, R.I.P. dude and thanks for the memories that drugs and booze did not block out!!!!!!  ~ Arachne 12/08/06 @ 3:29 a.m. 

My Baby

My little girl can yank my chain in the biggest way ever. She can call me and ball about the craziest thing and I will laugh and cry with her. This morning as I was blasting an old tape that was supposed to be MY music, however, I found her stuff on it that was recorded about 10 years ago over mine. When she heard the music in the background, she said OMFG I don't believe it. Although I told her that I do listen to her music when I miss her to give me a feel of her, she never caught me. Well, I was busted this morning and you know what...it felt good!

Today's stories were about CHARMIN WORLD (toilet paper), the John Travolta M&M, and the office chair. I will skip Charmin World and Travolta, however, I will share the office chair. She and her friend were in Times Square last night and they found an old office chair with wheels. Well Nix not falling too too far from the tree, was rolling around the street with it. At some point she was giving rides to a homeless guy who in appreciation sat on her lap and later gave her a kiss. THAT'S MY GIRL. Maybe I did rub off on her somewhat.

This holiday will be the first time since she was born that I will not be with her. I have kept my bill money on the side and I am really thinking hard on taking off. My heart is pulling so damn hard, however, I also realize that I have to be practical. Which will win out? FUCK I CAN'T STAND IT!

Today I heard Staying Alive from Saturday Night Fever while in the car dealership: I was dancing to it and crying at the same time. I miss her sooooooooo much! ~ 12/7/06 @ 7:56 p.m.

Frustrated

Everyday, I pace outside the window and long for this granddaddy of a lollipop. This little kid wants the big beautiful twist lollipop that dangles in the window. Its bright colors and twisted candy look scream my name and although I stare at it and hunger for it, I don't know how to get it. Angrily, I stomp my feet in frustration like a spoiled little brat and curse my own longing. With my face pressed against the window, I search my pockets and pull them outward only to retrieve a penny and then to a sport a set of rabbit ears. What the hell can rabbit ears do? How will a penny allow me to get at this lollipop whose cost might as well be a million dollars? Pacing outside the shop, all the other confections are ignored. Sure I see all the others, however, I want the beautiful lollipop that dangles almost in front of my face. Only a tiny bit of glass separates me from it yet it might as well be housed in Fort Knox.

If I could get at my desire, would it be a slow and long lick so that I can truly enjoy it or would I hungrily eat it up like biting into a Tootsie Pop to get to the center? I don't fucking know. ~ Maggie ~ 12/05/06 @ 9:53 a.m.

* Just so you know, I am not really talking about a lollipop. Also, the lollipop that I am trying to describe is not your everyday regular lollipop. This one is made with a long strip of colorful candy (yellow, blue, red, orange, and green) that is wound and placed on a stick. If you were to look at it, it would look like a spiral laid flat or a multicolored bull's eye. If you have ever seen a rag rug, it is kind of the same with the mixed colors and spiral design. In other words, this confection is complex in design and color whereas most lollipops are plain.

Miracle: I actually knocked myself out without xanax last night. I found la la land.

The Heart Has No Eyes

When you feel something for someone, what they look like, what they have, or don't have is not an issue. What is an issue is how the heart is affected. They say that love is blind and I can totally relate to that as what flaws exist in the eyes of others are not seen by the person who truly loves. No one can say that one specific thing causes a heart to fly in a specific direction as each individual has a different chord. However, it is possible for a chord to be struck just as hard as a previous one. Although the two chords are very different, the heart sings the same music and is bound with affection. The heart sees more beauty that the eyes could ever behold and this message is transferred to the brain and stored. ~ 12/03/06 @ 7:27 p.m.

Two Hits of Purple Haze

Two Hits of Purple Haze
Thoughts are like maggots on a carcass
Eating and feeding
Death brings life
Squirming and slithering around in my head
They'll never stop until I am dead
Who is to say what lunacy holds
Beneath the darkness; beneath the folds ~ Arachne
Two Hits of Purple Haze

As I looked at the pills before me, I though WOW I wonder what will happen. My cousin Joey told me to make sure that I only took half a pill as this was my first trip. Well, I did listen to him initially. I took out a razor and cut the pill into two parts and although mighty tiny, I dropped it and waited...and waited...and waited. Sorry to say that I am not a patient person in some respects, therefore, I decided to drop the other half. Much to my dismay, nothing happened. This is approximately one hour later After waiting for sometime now, I said: Fuck it! I am taking the other one. So, two hits of purple haze had been dropped and again I waited.

I was lying in my bed watching an old back and white TV and chilling out. Other than the light of my TV, there was the stark white bulb that hung on the ceiling like a open sore. I can't say that I remember the movie I was watching, but it was not a cartoon. After awhile, I was having a hard time hearing what was being said by the people on TV as only every other word was being heard. I was like: WOW this is interesting. Not too long afterward, they were cartoon characters who couldn't talk properly.

The ugly bulb in the ceiling was suddenly full of color and the colors kept changing. Again, I thought: WOW this is great. Sure it was all fun and games as the entertainment was on HIGH. This shit was making me feel like Alice in Wonderland and I was loving it without a doubt. Maybe I was bugging too much on what I could not hear and what I realized could not be really happening. That may have thrown my trip off kilter because before I knew it, the walls started to ooze blood and come alive. The joyful comic display was turning into a horror show that I could not stop.

All the posters on my walls were moving and being covered by blood that was now kind of gushing. The taste of blood was then transferred into my mouth and I could taste the iron of the substance. Madness was all around me and I had nowhere to go.

The pajamas that I had on that night were red and I had used scented talcum power. The color of my Pjs were driving me crazy and I had to take them off as fast as I could. The smell of the powder, which was strawberry, was not something that I could escape.

By this time, I had shut the TV and light in hopes that if I could not see it, it would not get me. Unfortunately, that did not work. As I tried to talk myself straight, sirens were going off in my head and blasting the sound of my own rational thoughts to silence. I tried to pray to god for this to stop and to let me be normal again, but that prayer fell on deaf ears. Sure, I had done this to myself and now it was time to deal with the situation. Thoughts of talking myself straight were still trying to be had, but I felt like I was fighting a monster and the monster was my mind. I tried to lie still and not to think at all...total shutdown, but that didn't happen either so I curled into a fetal position and hugged myself. My eyes were razor sharp and even in the darkness of my room there was light...light enough for me to look at my gray arm and see the little dwarfs run down my arm. With whatever strength I had in my other arm, I made a dash to get them off of me. Sure, they were gone but what was left of my arm? It had aged and the veins were popping out as I was suddenly very old and almost not capable of moving, but move I did. Sitting there with my head in my hands, I decided to look out the window. Pulling the shade aside, I saw the tree. Normally this tree was a pleasant tree that was green and provided shade by my window, however, not on this night. NO. On this night the tree was a monster that was trying to get through my window with its branched arms lunging toward me and scaring the shit out of me.

My room had become quite tiny by this time as all that existed was me and my brain. There was no room for anything else as my mind sought to fill me with every horror that I had ever thought upon up to this point in my life. Accepting that I had gone mad was a hard thing to think of so I wished for death only that did not come either. Minutes seemed like hours or hours seemed like minutes as time was not real. Nothing was real...not even me. None of my senses were picking up things accurately and I could not fight myself as I had tried and lost.

After what seemed like an eternity, I smelled eggs and heard real loud talking. The smell and the sound were making me nuts and I wanted it to stop so I threw on my robe, opened my door, and headed downstairs and through the door that separated the kitchen from the main part of the house. Yeah I heard the radio voices and smelled the eggs all the way upstairs and through two doors. I must have looked like a beast let out of the cage as my grandfather and his wife looked oddly at me as I screamed for them to stop with the noise and to stop cooking. At this point, I was totally off the wall and looking for relief in any way I could get it. I thought maybe I should go wash my face as it might help me feel better. The cold water was scooped up from the faucet and splashed on my face several times before I looked in the mirror to see the maggots eating my face and my eyes wide and black. Damn I needed to get out...I needed to get out of being me. Everything around me was disturbing and I could not find a second of peace from myself.

Really I must have looked like a deranged animal as my step grams pointed her finger in my face and yelled to my grandpa that I was on drugs. Not for anything, my night was hell and this woman was now all up in my face and my mind was not RIGHT. To say that I wanted to rip her head off and feed it to her, is an understatement. Rage was burning in my veins and those black eyes were staring off in her direction shooting daggers. I suppose she thought better than to stay in my face as she backed off. Maybe it was the glare of my eyes or my heavy breathing and tossed look that scared her. I will never know.

Making it back to my room, and I am not sure how I did it, I managed to get dressed and head back downstairs past the dynamic duo sitting there looking at me with weird looks. Outside I went and hopped on my bike and rode. I did not want to think, see, or do, but these functions were out of my control everything and everything was wacked. I could not even enjoy a cigarette as they tasted like shit. What to do? What to do? I know! I will smoke menthols. I can't say how I looked at that point or how my actions appeared to the sales person behind the counter, but I felt like I was maniacal. At a loss and still hoping for relief, I sat outside the store and had a smoke. Hum. Not bad. First good thing so far other than the skipped words on TV, the cartoons figures, and the cool lights. WOW pleasure again! It was at this point I started to chill out. Sitting there in the sun and smoking was working wonders. Duh...how about a chocolate bar? Yeah. Let me head to another store though. Off I went to get my sweets. Hum...good stuff. It seems like the hell of my night was finally ending, however, even though I started to feel GOOD things again...things that brought some small sort of pleasure, I felt like I had the worst beating of my life. I was drained dead.

All I could remember after that was that sleep was hard to obtain and that my trip lasted for 12 hours.

You may be wondering did she do it again after all this and I would have to say yeah. Most of my trips were bad trips too. Actually, I can't really remember a good one. Some were funny afterthoughts, but the living of it, was not. Shit, 21 years of substance abuse does wear on you. Ergo, here I am! Eat Me!!! ~ 12/2/06 @ 11:22 p.m

NOTE: You know what I love about life, truth is STRANGER than fiction. Welcome to my nightmare...some of it. I got tons more.

Institutionalized - Suicidal!

Last time I saw Suicidal was when they played with Metallica and Danzig. They had two shows in the tri-state area (Long Island & Jersey) and I went to both. On the first night, I went with Fat Bobby, Judy, and Steve. On the second night, I went with Fat Bobby, Jimmy, and Carlos (I think). It could have been Chris.

** Background of my friends: Fat Bobby was a coke dealer, Judy was the head of graphic designs where I worked, Steve was/is her husband, Jimmy was a metal head, Carlos is Carlos (long story), and Chris was a skinhead with hair who spoke like Arnold..."I'll be back." LMAO Chris was also a heroin junkie in a real bad way.

6. Institutionalized

[Mike Muir/Mayorga]

Sometimes I try to do things and they just don't turn out the way I want em to.
And I get real frustrated and it's like, I take my time and I try real hard
And no matter what I do, and no matter what I try
It never works out.
And it's like, I concentrate on it real hard, but it never works out
And it's like, I need some time to figure these things out.
But there's always someone there going
Hey Mike: You know, we've been noticing you have a lot of problems lately.
You know, and like maybe you should talk about it, you'll feel a lot better
And I go: No it's okay, I'm having some problems, I'll figure it out myself, just leave me alone.
I'll figure it out.
And they go: Why don't you talk about it? You'll feel a lot better.
And I go: No I don't want to! Just leave me alone, I'll figure it out myself!
And they just keep on bugging me and it builds up inside
And it builds up inside
So you're gonna be institutionalized
You'll come out brainwashed with bloodshot eyes
You won't have any say
They'll brainwash you until you see their way.
I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself
I was in my room and I was like starin at the walls thinking about
Everything but then again I was thinking about nothing
And then my mom came in and I didn't even know she was there and she called my name
And I didn't hear it, and then she started screaming MIKE! MIKE!
And I go: What, what's the matter?
And she goes: What's the matter with you?
I said: Nothing, mom
And she goes: Don't tell me nothing, you're on drugs!
I go: No mom I'm not on drugs I'm okay, I'm just thinking you know, why don't you get me a Pepsi?
And she goes: NO you're on drugs! You're crazy! Normal people don't be acting that way.
I go: Mom I'm alright, I'm just thinking, you know. So why don't you like get me a Pepsi?
And she goes: No, you're crazy!
All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me.
Just one Pepsi.
They give you a white shirt with long sleeves
Tied around you're back, you're treated like thieves
Drug you up because they're lazy
It's too much work to help a crazy
I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself
I was sitting in my room and my mom and my dad came in and they pulled up a chair and they sat down, They go: Mike, we need to talk to you
And I said: Okay what's the matter?
They go: Me and your mom have been noticing lately you've been having a lot of problems,
And you haven't been acting like yourself.
And we're afraid that you're gonna hurt somebody.
And we're afraid that you're gonna hurt yourself.
So we decided that it would be in your interest if we put you somewhere
Where you could get the help that you need.
And I said: Wait, what are we talking about? We decided!? My best interest?!
How can you know, how can you say what my best interest is?
What are you trying to say, I'm crazy?
When I went to your schools, I went to your churches, I went to your institutional learning facilities?!
So how can you say that I'm crazy.
They say they're gonna fix my brain
Alleviate my suffering and my pain
But by the time they fix my head
Mentally I'll be dead
I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself
It doesn't matter I'll probably get hit by a car anyway.
http://www.darklyrics.com/lyrics/suicidaltendencies/stillcycoafteralltheseyears.html#6
http://www.darklyrics.com/s/suicidaltendencies.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicidal_Tendencies

LISTENING TO: LIFELESS EYES by ART OF CONVULSION!!! Add these guys to your friends list. Check out their site. See my TOP FRIENDS. Don't be lame! ~ 12/1/06