Max is dangerous, but she is one of three sides of me. Although I am now one within myself, I realize that Max on her own is a total bad scene and is the most dangerous of my characters. Max is street smart and knows how to fight, kill, and take a beating. The other two are Maggie and Margaret. Maggie is educated, well spoken, and polite. Margaret is the beaten child who looks for love anyway she can get it and seeks approval from others. All my characters now exist in one shell and do not separate. However, their flaws and strengths still exist within me and are part of me.
Deep within my heart I know my capabilities to do harm to others and this side of my nature has always scared me as it is a part of me that is wild and furious...a side whose anger is black and killer hostile. A side of me that requires 5 men to calm me down or hold me down. Murder plots have been thought upon and dropped when the levels of anger have dropped. However, the dark side, "Max," lives within me. She/I knowing where kill zones are on a body are and knowing when to strike do not help matters of this nature. When in Max mode, I am crazy. Crazier than poor Arthur who would not hurt a soul. To say that my mind is not cunning and artful would be a lie. To say that jealousy does not exist would be a lie. However, my prudy green eyes only see black on one small level...a very tiny level that is all too important to me that could send me into a murderous rage and I would attack as many people as possible to release it. This rage can be hit in two ways: protecting a loved one (loved one includes self-preservation) and jealousy. I don't think I need to explain the protection of a loved one. Jealousy shall be explained. Most women would get crazy on higher levels, but I realize that men are just mammals who sometimes require other partners. The sexual aspect is not a reason for me to lash out at someone (partner or otherwise), however, the tender loving aspect of another woman lying in my partner's arms would send me for blood...not so much his...although he would get some lash...if she knew about me...whoa Nelly! It would be in her best interest to befriend me or suffer if I am still in the eye of the storm. I have two types of rage: Quiet and Wild. Experience has shown me that a woman would rather befriend me than go against me. Most fear my wild anger (and I have a criminal record for it - the one I was caught for), but the quiet smiling anger is more dangerous as it plots and reasons.
Wild anger can get you busted as it got me busted. The quiet anger finds logical solutions and uses manipulation methods. Need I say more about the quiet anger? I don't think so. Rule #1: Always be crazier than the crazies. Always... The amazing part of about being crazy is that supposedly a crazy person does not realize they are crazy. When a person can come to terms with themselves and see their true inner nature as I have seen my own, then they can wear the CRAZY label. Label me Mentally Deranged! All efforts will be made to keep Max in the box...letting her out in total is not a good idea. ~ Arachne ~ 12/19/06 @ 10:38 p.m.
Note: Even thinking about this rage makes me taste blood. Not good. It has come to my attention that I lack power/control over this type of anger. Current mood...I COULD DESTROY IN A HEARTBEAT!
They did not prescribe 600 mg of Seroquel to me for nothing.
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