Dear ****,
What you read was written after I saw you in August/September. Realize that I also saw you in October, November and December. The feelings and words are a story to myself that I had not typed until now. Many details are missing, but not forgotten. So that you know, I often write stories of my life to remind myself in hard copy of initial feelings and see if my feelings change over time in further literature. Then again, it sometimes transports me back to those initial feelings for examination/reflection. I guess you can say I am showing you my private journal. This was never going to make a blog as it was mine for me. I now share it with you.
My Story:
I am inside myself screaming my head off. The sheer volume is a release of sorts, but not that which I wish. Confusion is not present nor is hostility. What is present is the fruitless nature of it all. Fruitless in that nothing will become of it. It saddens me, but then again I knew before leaping. I saw. No it does not make me a fool for falling. How the hell am I supposed to learn if I don’t fall? Frankly, there is more to this than I am saying, but why should I bore you. Do you want to be bored? If you do read on as I will spill my guts.
Not too long ago, around the middle of July, I was off from home on a solo adventure. My adventure was to take in the beauty that I had seen a year earlier, but with a slightly different twist and a longer duration. It is my nature to go off and do as I wish and so it was done. As usual, nothing was really planned even when I got there. The event book was looked over and then lost (*edit-I found it.) as schedules do suck. To stumble across a matter of interest is far greater than to hone it to time constructs and decisions of this or that due to overlaps. Boo, hiss, and spit on that.
Upon my arrival, the first thing I did was set up my tent with the help of a sweet woman named Pearl. Upon its completion, I set myself into motion to explore my surroundings. Although I was only at it for a few hours, I had been up for several days and drove over nine hours to get there. Therefore, upon feeling a bit weary, I laid myself down within my tent only to wake to the rain coming in. After closing up, back to sleep I went until the following day.
When I woke and ventured out I had the opportunity to talk to folks I had not seen for a year and to also meet others. My time was spent wandering in and out of vendor areas, taking pictures, and stopping by when a workshop caught my ear. All was grand!
I believe I did this type of activity for two days, but then again I really don’t keep track of time. Books were brought with me so that I could wander off into another place while never leaving my site or my chair. Let me call that down time or brain adventure.
One night I remember going to the fire with John only to lose myself in the gazing of stars and the sparks of the fire that flew in a spiral manner above the main flame. It was not the event at the moment that held my mind, rather it was what was above that was shining brightly and calling me back to my tent to place to paper. Unfortunately, the ideas and feelings never made it beyond the spoken words that I spoke to myself within my confines. What can I say except that perhaps those words were never meant for paper.
I first saw him in a workshop, but as much as I did not want to see (hell I even removed my glasses), I absorbed him very silently remembering almost every detail of him. Although I cannot say with certainty when he invited me to his area (look for the dragon flag), I had no intention of going. My being was telling me steer clear and so I listened to self (*edit - I feared you (my feelings for you) hence the panic attacks.). Again time is an issue here. I remember seeing him walk by and we acknowledged each other with a nod. I was sitting in the grass with John discussing philosophy before heading off to the fire with him only to have my head send me back to camp. Remember I mentioned the stars called more loudly than the event?
Perhaps it was on the following day that he invited me to a BBQ that I had no intention of attending. Why? How would I know when 6:00 is? Besides, my being was saying - steer clear.
I remember that before I went off to read Virgil in the comfort of my chair, I was greatly entertained by K**** K**** with songs, jokes, and stories of pirates. My heart was so enjoying the moment as were all those who participated. To be honest, I don’t know how long that event lasted nor do I know at what time I went off to read, however, I was caught by he who caught my eye reading my book aloud and to myself. Oh the shock of it all. It was BBQ time and I followed him off to his camp to help with the fire.
There were six of us (Nomad, Liz, David, Adam, Me, Heather) attending the BBQ that evening and we were all buddies. Just a group of people hanging, talking, and sharing. I remember that he had gone off to do his job and Heather and I cleaned up and I put the fire out and went to clean myself off and change my clothes. Not for anything, but I was dirty from kneeling on the ground, breaking and chopping wood, and sweating profusely.
Upon cleaning myself and changing, off to the larger fire I went. It was not the grand fire, but it was a fire and I was wherever I was not looking for him and not really looking to be found. I just was there. What happened afterwards is that we did hook up and went to hang at his tent.
To my own words I did not listen “Follow your reason as the mind as the mind is greater than the body.” Why I did not listen to my head is because my heart was speaking as well. They (*edit - your being and my heart) kind of ganged up on my mind and thus my mind was overruled. What should be noted is that my mind knew something and was sending me flash words of warning. These flash words came based on data being absorbed at the moment, but did I listen to self? NO!
Regardless of going against myself and knowing that in the long run (which is really short) I would hurt myself. I can’t say that I would want to trash the experience. The experience was a good one and my time was filled with joy, play, and laughter. Regrettably, this was a limited venture. Fortunately, I would see him again in a few week’s time.
My venture to New York was two fold and he was the second fold as my daughter was the first. Spending time with him in real world was just as grand as it was in adventure world, but this too was a limited venture. The hurt in leaving made me want to hurry off as soon as possible so that I would not cry. I did cry though. I had also cried the night before as I truly felt heartsick.
To venture out again is coming up shortly, but I don’t want to leave with that sick feeling. Sure there is joy in the moment while there, but then the moment is gone and my truth comes up behind me and kicks me in the ass.
The truth is I want a partner for life–a person who is my friend and my mate. A person whom I can share my life and love with. A person with whom can share the same with me. Perhaps that is a great deal to seek in another and perhaps I will never find it. Then again it is all about risk–the risk is all or nothing.
In the words of Samuel Butler: It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all. He and I will be friends. ~ Written in Early September 2008.
No comments:
Post a Comment